Formerly Known as "Anonymous Army Wife"

Happy Heart

2012-02-14T22:41:00.003-07:00

God is good. He is amazing in so many ways that it's not even possible to count. I'm so thankful for the way he shows me He is there at the most unexpected times. He knows exactly when I need that.

It has been a rough couple of weeks. Particularly with my health issues and the scariness and the feelings of loneliness that came with it. Especially the rash, illogical thoughts that briefly flashed through my head. That really scared me that I was even going down that road and considering such selfish solutions.

I've been praying. Not for anything in particular. Praying because I know that it is in times like this that I have to be strong in my faith.

I truly felt His presence tonight. I cannot explain it. But I just know everything is going to be okay. I feel refreshed. I feel calm. An empty space within me has been filled. He has something in store for me. I don't know what it is, but I'm so excited about it. Everything happens for a reason. It struck me all of the sudden just as I was about to nod off to sleep. Now I'm wide awake and I want to wake up the kids and the entire neighborhood so everyone can feel it.

I feel happy, strong and at peace. This feels amazing. There is nothing in a bottle, there is no pill, there is no human on Earth that has ever made me feel like this. It's undescribable.

Everything is going to be okay. Big and exciting things are in store.

So, now I'm wide awake!

I'm ready to start my day tomorrow, already. It's only 11pm so I have a few hours yet to go.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Bre has another competition. This competition is one of my favorites. It's local and all of the local studios compete. It's nice to go to a competition and see people perform on stage from other studios that you know. It's nice to run into people and their kiddo's that you haven't seen in a while.

I registered the babies boys for tackle football today. They are so excited for Spring football. When you sign them up, you are supposed to pick the practice fields located closest, or most convenient to you. I picked the high school and middle school fields. That is how they assemble the teams. I know that my new Mom-basketball-friend told me to pick the fields on the west side of town so that our boys can play together but I think this will work out better for us. I emailed her and told her. Besides, if they continue to play in middle and high school, it's nice to start playing early with the team that you go to school with, live in the same neighborhood with and in essence, grow up with. Not to mention the convenience factor. These fields are less than a mile from my house and from my parents house. I CANNOT wait to be a football Mom later this Spring!

I'm not sure if I mentioned it but Tre's end of Semester grades were not good. He got an F in Geometry. His teacher made a deal with him for second semester. He would change his F to a "pass" for the first semester if he met certain criteria the second semester. This would allow Tre the chance to pass Geometry for the year without having to retake the first semester in Summer School. Tre signed a contract with his teacher and is working hard to abide by it.

As a result, Tre is not playing basketball with the high school. He is still on the team. I'm allowing him to go to the practices, but he cannot play in the games. He's devastated of course. Especially after all that time waiting for his cast to come off after he broke his ankle. There are about 4 more games left in the season. He sits on the bench and keeps stats for the coach. It is killing him. I'm hoping he learned a good but hard lesson.

After the regular season ends, the high school team then forms a team with the same boys for a local Spring league. I told Tre if his grades were acceptable, he could play at that time. That is coming up next month and he is about to lose his mind with excitement at the prospect of playing again. He is working his butt off in school in order to be eligible.

Last week he got a call from a coach of another team here in the city. It is made up of mainly players from other schools down in the South side of the city. He wants Tre to come play for him this Spring in another league because he's in desperate need of a forward. He promised Tre a starting position and lots of playing time.

Tre went and talked to his coach to see if there was a conflict of interest. His coach allowed him to participate. Tre called back the coach from the other team and accepted the spot on the team. Tre was negotiating his terms....lol. He told the new coach I would not allow him to play unless his grades were acceptable. He told the new coach that if his high school team schedule ever interfered with this new teams schedule, the high school team would take precedence. The new coach agreed so now Tre will be playing on two different teams in two different leagues this Spring.

That is going to be one tired boy. His high school team practices right after school, his new team practices later in the evening at a different gym. PLUS he's got to keep those grades up!

I love seeing my kids this busy doing what they love. It makes my heart so happy.

Speaking of hearts and being happy. Today was Valentine's Day. Sonny transferred $100 to my account and told me to have the kids take me out to dinner. He is so much easier to tolerate when he is deployed! THAT is the Sonny I can deal with.

We get our annual employee performance bonus on Thursday at work. This year was the second highest bonus in the company's history. I think it ended up being 18.3%. Which is 18.3% of our annual salary. That is a nice chunk of change. Mine is going straight to paying off all of my credit cards and trying to take a chunk out of my student loan. I'm not putting it toward any "fun" items as I have done in the past. Although, I'm in dire need of a new computer. I'm gonna put that off for a while more still.

Okay, it's going on 11:30. I really should get my hyper butt back into the bed.

Night ya'll.

More Than You Ever Really Wanted To Know About Me

2012-02-12T10:27:00.006-07:00

Thought I would start Sunday out with another meme. I found this one over at Judd's Blog Page, Sunday Stealing.

Sunday Stealing:

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
1. Baby Grand by Billy Joel
2. Hard by Rihanna & Jeezy
3. Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars
4. Here and Now by Luther Vandross
5. Ain't It? by Young One
6. Touch of Soul by Art N' Soul

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Will Smith, Steve Harvey, Ellen Degeneres (don't ask), the Dalai Lama, Pastor Andrew Wommack, Joyce Meyers, way to many more but I'm drawing a blank.

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"We ultimately reached our decision by asking ourselves which course would most effectively further Google's mission to organize the world's information and make it universally useful and accessible." (Obviously my school text book on Corporate Communication)

4) What do you think about most?
The well-being of my kids...............and sex..............and food..............and sex.

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
"Will you please please please bring me lunch please"

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Both - if all of the kids are out of the house, I sleep nekkid. However, if they are home I have clothes on because 9 times outta 10, someone is crawling in bed with mama in the middle of the night. Wouldn't want to scar them for life.

7) What's your strangest talent?
I can bend my index finger backwards until the tip almost touches the back of my hand. Don't try this at home kids.

8) Women.... (finish the sentence); Men.... (finish the sentence)
Women are from Venus; Men are from Mars.

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Yes. It was a short fling with a sailor I met in Guam. We were in his dorm room and he wrote me a song and sang it to me while he played his keyboard.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
In the shower yesterday morning while listening to Prince.

11) Do you have any strange phobias?
The sound that is made while creasing a piece of paper......shudder!

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Straws, french fries, rocks, tampons............don't ask.

13) What's your religion?
Methodist

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Walking to and from my car.

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind!

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
I guess I don't have one. Probably Tre's praise and worship band at church.

17) What was the last lie you told?
When asked how I was doing, I replied "Good".

18) Do you believe in karma?
Totally

19) What does your URL mean?
My first and middle names

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
Weakness - the man and all the feelings and emotions that go with that situation.
Strength - Feigning empathy

21) Who is your celebrity crush?
Will Smith, The Rock, The dude that plays the coach on Friday night Lights.

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
No. But if I were to actually write a bucket list, this would be on there.

23) How do you vent your anger?
Writing. Talking.

24) Do you have a collection of anything?
- a collection of Michael Jackson articles and photos. Collected when I was in middle school. They take up two large 100 page photo albums.
-Soaps and mini shampoos collected from hotel stays over the years.
-Emergency supplies in my basement stockpile (canned goods, batteries, flashlights, matches, first aid kits, boxed meals, water)

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Neither. Both require to much energy in order to be social. The exception would be phone or video sex with the man. I happily exert the energy needed to do that.

Bre and Her Fellow Divas

2012-02-11T18:52:00.002-07:00

Saturdeee

2012-02-11T17:02:00.003-07:00

Felt pretty good today. I got out and about and was able to go to Koby and JJ's basketball game. One of the Mom's came up to me and said, "Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself. My son plays on the same team as Koby and Jaydon. I met your son, Tre, last week. All three of your boys are so polite! You have such a nice family. I'm just crazy about these three boys of yours. They are all incredible athletes. "

Me, "Oh wow, uhhh thank you. That's nice to hear and sweet of you to say. Which one is your son?"

She points out her son and then asks me if the boys will be playing Spring tackle football.

I let her know that they are going to play through parks and rec.

This really made her happy. lol. She started jumping up and down excitedly telling me that I just have to get Koby and Jay on the same team as her son. She said her son has played with this particular team before and Koby and Jay would be such an awesome addition to the team. She starts explaining how she will be glad to take them to practice and what a fun season we are going to have together.

I was mentally exhausted already from this 5 minute conversation. I was ready to go back home and pull the covers up over my head. She was very sweet, but ya'll know I'm not social in any way. I like to sit at the boys games and cheer for my kids and then go home.

After the game was over, she ran over to me with a piece of paper with all of her phone numbers and email address. I promised I would contact her prior to registering the boys for football so we can coordinate being on the same team. She mentioned something about arranging a play date for the boys and her son. I may live on this side of town, but I don't do well with the role of yuppy suburban soccer mom. I don't schedule play dates. If the weather is nice, I kick the kids out of the house and tell them to go play. There's your play date! Adding anything else to our calendar in ink is one more thing too many. I didn't even try to explain this to my new friend. I just smiled and nodded like an idiot.

When I got home I had two assignments that were due this evening at 11:59 pm eastern time. I have blown off schoolwork completely this past week. I managed to knock those out within a couple of hours. Not my best work by far, but it's enough to pass for the week.

I then finally started Sonny's taxes that I promised him I would do. Yeah, he talked me into it. That man is getting back twice what I got back. I asked him to pay for half of Bre's recent ortho bill in return for my tax services. Yeah, I know, I should be getting that from him anyway. But Sonny doesn't do for anyone unless he is getting something in return. So fine, I do his taxes, he helps out with the orthodontist bill.

He deleted his Facebook account. At first I was almost insulted because I thought he had un-friended me. I was going to give him a piece of my mind, but then I see he is not even friends with the kids or his supposed wife Adele.

When I was talking to him about his taxes, I asked him what happened to his FB account? I was a little snarky and asked him if it got him in trouble with Adele and Yvette. He assured me that was not the case and that he had that particular situation under control. **insert rolling eyes from my end of the conversation** He told me that it had something to do with his 2nd oldest son Brandon getting mouthy on Facebook. My stepson Brandon does not hold back regarding his feelings toward his Dad. It sound like Brandon gave his Dad the what for on Facebook. Sonny does not understand how to work Facebook. There must've been a comment that hurt Sonny's feelings and since he didn't know how to delete the comment, he deleted his whole profile.

**Shaking my head**

Poor man. Don't know what I'm gonna do with him.

But it feels like I've had a full day and then some. I've got some pulled pork cooking in the slow cooker. I'm ready for a good nights sleep and its not even 6pm.

A Random Meme

2012-02-09T21:59:00.003-07:00

My pain is being well managed by Vicodin right now. I'm in the mood to write but my mind is blocked. I'm tired of talking about the medical issues. I found a Meme that looked interesting. My apologies to the original creator of this meme, but I can't find the link to refer back to it, as I usually try to do with meme's. This meme is called, "What Were You Doing?"

So here goes:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Hmmm, lets see, 10 years ago today would have been February 2002. I was about 3 or 4 months along in my pregnancy with Koby and Jaydon. I was married to Sonny. We had just moved in to our on-post housing at Ft Carson in Colorado Springs. I was working as a property claims adjuster at the same company I work for now. I was excited because I was going on a business trip to San Antonio the following month. I LOVE San Antonio.

I was really trying make things work with Sonny at this time. I was clueless as to how hopeless and doomed our marriage was at that point. I was trying to put on the happy, normal family act around our new neighbors. I found myself repeatedly making excuses for Sonny's behavior and laughing it off. I was trying to put on a show to the world, rather than let anyone know just how bad things really were.

My closest friends knew. Alexis (my now SIL) got me through a lot of those rough times. She was a sounding board and could see through my bullshit if I attempted it, so I didn't even try to put on a front around her.

Bre and Tre were in first grade. They were excited about the little one's that I was carrying in my tummy. They couldn't wait to be a big brother and sister. I had no clue what it would be like with TWO sets of twins. I was having fun picking out stuff for their nursery.

My goals at that time all centered around having a happy family and happy kids. The thought of getting my bachelor's degree was in the back of my head but not a burning priority.

I was a member of the MOM's club. (Mothers of Multiples). I went to about half a dozen meetings before I lost interest. I haven't been back since.

My grandmother Nana (My Dad's Mom) was still alive at that time. She got to meet Koby and Jaydon soon after they were born. I'm thankful for that. My Mom and I lived with Nana for most of the first two years of my life while my Dad was flying OV-10's over in Vietnam. I spent most of my Summers growing up visiting my Grandmother in Garland, TX. She would take me to the library a lot. She made the best banana bread. I can still remember her laugh. She loved animals. I miss her.

My grandfather, we all called him "Big Daddy" (My Mom's Dad) was still alive as well. Wow, I miss him. Talk about someone loving everyone unconditionally. He was an amazing man. The true American dream story. He quit school in 7th grade. He was one of the smartest men I knew. He worked hard his whole life. He provided a very comfortable retirement life for he and my grandmother. They traveled and enjoyed their time together. He spoiled my grandmother rotten. Up until the day he died, she had never pumped gas into a car. He did everything for her. He was the glue that held our family together. He used to tell the best stories. He could draw out a 2 minute story into an hour long tale. I will always associate the smell of a pipe with Big Daddy. The world was a better place with him in it.

What Were You Doing 5 Years Ago:
This was easy enough to recall. I pulled up my blog entries from this time 5 years ago. I was fervently working toward my bachelors degree.

Sonny and I were divorced and I was just trying to settle in and make a normal life for the kids. I had all of them enrolled at the dance studio. This was Bre's first dance season to do a solo. Boy has she come a long way since then.

I was working as a claims adjuster at the same place I work now.

Five years ago may as well have been last year. It feels a lot is still the same. That scares me that time goes so fast.

What Were You Doing a Year Ago?
I had just gotten my iPhone. I still love it just as much today. We were kicking off the dance competition season. Bre and Tre were getting ready to take drivers ed class. It was about this time that Sonny got married to Adele.

What Were You Doing a Week Ago?
This time last week I was gearing up for a competition weekend. I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now about how that weekend would end up! I probably would have stayed in bed all weekend with the covers over my head.

What Were You Doing an Hour Ago?
I was googling worse possible scenarios for my medical concerns and the side effects of the meds I'm on. I was also cruising Facebook. My Vicodin high was just beginning to kick in.

And that completes this meme. That felt good and therapeutic. I got some much needed tears shed while remembering my grandparents. That released some tension. I think I can sleep now.

Let's Get Passed This

2012-02-09T16:13:00.002-07:00

Another doctors appointment today. I won't go into all the details. Nothing is more boring that hearing about someone's medical issues. Goodness knows I've talked about those way more than a little lately. In a nutshell, additional meds were prescribed for the short-term to deal with the situation with my kidneys AND, I got the good stuff.....Vicodin, for the pain.

I'm still scared to death about this whole situation. I still feel completely alone. I'm hoping that feeling will pass. I just want to get through this and be done. I don't need to lean on a single person to get through this. I just need to endure it. I can do that.

I had way better hopes for 2012. I had huge plans! This inconvenience has got to stop. I'm ready to get on with my year.

Ugh, I'm a Mess

2012-02-07T17:46:00.006-07:00

I sat in the car for 20 minutes after my doctor's appointment and cried like a big azz baby. He was doing his job, I understand, but it is just more than I want to deal with right now. My appointment was my first one at the Coumadin Clinic - AKA, the anticoagulation clinic. The doc told me straight up that his job is to scare me into seeing how serious this drug is. B.L.U.F. (Bottom Line Up Front), I take too much, I can die......I don't take enough, I can die. Great.

I learned more than I ever wanted to know about Coumadin and my condition. Coumadin is also a rat poison. Eeeeew. I can't get hit hard or fall without worrying about it killing me. He gave me all of the scenarios under which I am to go to the emergency room. Straight to the emergency room, do not pass go, do not collect $200. He advised if one of these scenarios were to occur and I were to wait even 3 hours to seek attention, that they have lost their opportunity to save my life.

No pressure there.

Just about everything I take or eat will interfere with this drug in someway. Especially anything with vitamin K. Vitamin K counteracts the drug and makes it weaker. Vitamin K is found is spinach, lettuce and broccoli. I can still eat this, I just can't increase the amount of these foods. They are adjusting my coumadin dose to the amount I am currently eating. Cutting them out or increasing my intake, will throw off my INR levels.

He told me a strange headache, or pain in my chest is a sign that the clots have broken off and traveled elsewhere in my body presenting a life threat. In the same sentence he tells me that it is not uncommon for the clot to break off in pieces and go random places in my body causing pain or discomfort. Yeah, that would explain the area near my Kidney's hurting for the past week and the blood I found in my urine. TMI, I know, I'm sorry.

I was told, skipping a dose of my meds is dangerous, but in all likelihood will happen by accident on occasion. Skipping 2 doses of my meds requires a call to the clinic, as we are now in a dangerous situation.

Did I mention my Mom and I were the youngest people in the crowded waiting room of the Coumadin clinic? When I went back to his office, he told me I'm one of the youngest of the 900 patients that they see.

Why? Why the hell is this happening?

I don't have time for this!

I'm in tears again as I type this. I have kids to raise. I'm too busy with every thing else in life to worry about being on this high maintenance medication. I just want to be whole and not broken. I can't do this. I'm too irresponsible to keep up with everything that I have to keep up with being on this medication.

I have so many friggin doctor's appointments coming up. Taking time off of work for those is an issue in of itself. I was told at work I need to apply for FMLA so that my job is protected while I'm taking time off to deal with this. The guy at the Coumadin clinic even said that was ridiculous. Then he heard where I worked and he had an "Ahaa I get it now," moment. His comment then was, "Yeah, they ARE VERY production motivated." Ya think? I'm not a person, I'm a number. All of our appointments and absences at work are handled by a third party company, who does not know me from Adam. If I need to take time off for a particular medical reason more than once, I need FMLA to protect my job.

I'm stressed beyond capacity.

And I feel alone. I feel so damn alone. I'm scared to death and I'm alone. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this or vent to. Not without it being uncomfortable, forced or fake.

Now that I'm crying, my head is hurting. Is this the strange headache that they were telling me to look out for? Ugh. I'm going to be impossible to live with from here on out.

Pics From the Weekend

2012-02-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

No........Seriously!

2012-02-05T00:26:00.017-07:00

The fun started with a call at work Friday afternoon from my doctor telling me he was concerned about the results of the daily bloodwork of mine he was receiving.

My INR levels are still wayyyyy too low. He doubled my coumadin and put me back on those dreaded Lovenex stomach shots. Dammit. He said he was seriously concerned and that we have to get these levels much higher.

He was worried about me going out of town due to sitting in a car for too long. I promised I would stretch and move. However, there is a lot of sitting at dance competitions unless you happen to be the performer.

Tough weekend for the dancers at our studio. This was one of the ROUGHEST competitions we have ever experienced. I think a part of it was the troubles at the studio. No one is happy with the new owners and the new policies. We are stuck there until the end of the competition season. The girls held their own and we were proud of them. We had quite a few platinums. There were a few numbers that should have done better but the girls were off their game a little in some of the dances. Simple little things that they messed up on that is not typical of them. Their heads were just not in it on a few numbers.

Let's start off by saying we drove through the first bad blizzard of the year in Colorado. It was an ugly drive from the Springs to Longmont. That is how the weekend started.

Then we compete at what is definitely not necessarily our best.

On top of that, one of our dancers had to drop out early in the day due to illness and all of the routines had to be re-choreographed right before the teams went on stage so that the missing person was not obvious.

THEN, my baby girl is in the wings getting ready to go on for her duet and she suddenly starts throwing up and having stomach cramps. She started breaking out in a sweat and got all flushed. She could barely stand up. The duet had to be cancelled and she had to be pulled out of her last team number. Her duet partner, Ashleigh, who happens to be her best friend was so sweet and understanding. The team number that she was in had six girls. It was a dance where they were partnered up. Since Bre couldn't do it, her partner in that dance had no way to do the dance, so she had to pull out of that one too. Luckily her partner in the team dance was Ashleigh again. Ashleigh was such a trooper having to give up two of her competition numbers for the sake of Bre. Bre was in tears because she felt like she was letting down her team and most of all Ashleigh.

I brought Bre back to the hotel before the competition was over because she was in such bad shape. She laid on the bathroom floor clutching her stomach and throwing up. I felt so helpless

OMGoodnness!
*** This blog interrupted by yet another
"You Just Can't Make This Shit Up" incident.***

I was sitting there blogging away in our nice quiet hotel room when suddenly I see a mouse peek around the corner! I screamed. The mouse ran into the room Bre was sleeping in. She woke up at my screaming. She then started screaming that there was another one crawling up the curtain!

I don't know if it was a different one or the same one...........but really, does it matter?

Mom is standing on her bed in her room. I'm up on the back of the couch, and Bre is up on her bed. I reach over to grab the phone and call the front desk.

"We are in the suite in 112. There is a MOUSE in our room. Maybe even mice!"

The front desk lady apologized profusely but told me she was at the desk alone and there was no one she could send.

"Ummm, that's nice, but there's a mother effing mouse running around up in here! So.......yeah."

She said she was on her way.

In the mean time, Mom had called and told Cheri and Brandi via text.

There is a knock on the door and the front desk lady is there with a broom, a dust pan and little packs of peanut butter.

WTF?

She has no traps but she has peanut butter. What the hell is she going to do, pelt the little rodent with packets of peanut butter?

So she goes into Bre's room because Bre is now screaming that its tail is sticking out of her suitcase.

The lady advises that she is not allowed to touch our belongings. Bre says, "There are mice running around in my clothes. I have nothing to wear tomorrow!"

Her patience was not at an all time high due to the whole having her head in the toilet all night experience.

The lady nicely shakes out Bre's suitcase and the mouse runs out of the bedroom into the kitchen and under the dishwasher.

I see it and I scream.

Mom doesn't see it but she screams too.

Did I mention it is 2 a.m. at this time?

Then Cheri shows up now. She is known for her heroic mice catching stories. She has an empty box of Cheez-its. She laid it on its side in front of the dishwasher. She explained the mouse would go for the crumbs and we would hear it rattling around in the box and could then snatch him up.

Ummm. No.

So at this point the lady offers us another suite, either on the first floor or third floor.

Cheri promised that mice could not climb stairs. I don't know if that is true or not but we chose the 3rd floor suite.

We quickly pack up two luggage trolley's and haul all of our crap upstairs. Bre is then in pain again and decides she wants to try to eat something.

Cheri mysteriously appears with Mac and Cheese and all the things needed to make it. Mac and Cheese is the only thing Bre even wants to try to eat. We just wanted her to get something in her stomach.

It is now around 3 a.m. Cheri graciously stayed and made the Mac and Cheese. My leg is swollen up at this point beyond recognition. Bre is having another bout of pain and is in tears.

Around 4 a.m I was able to get her settled enough to sleep.

It is now Sunday morning. Bre has decided she can't dance today. We are going back home and going to the ER to rule out an appendicitis.

So, getting ready to pack up the car. I will post pics from last night when I get back home.

Oh, and yes, we were comp'd for the room.

Later on.............

And.....we are home now. Thank you God. Bre is laying in bed. We are going to hold off on going to the ER. We are pretty convinced this is a stomach bug. She not running a fever right now. If it is worse tomorrow, we'll go in.

The car is unpacked and everything is in the front hall. I just want to get some sleep. Bre is watching the competition on live stream on the internet to see her friends dance.

I don't even know the point in unpacking when I'm getting ready to have to pack up again for another trip.

I'm in a bad mood if you can't tell. I think some good sleep will help. The boys were so glad to see me when I got home. Tre just told me he missed me and does not think he will be able to go far away to college because he hates being away from me. Yeah, that totally made my day.

The highlight of the weekend was the man was able to support Bre and her dancing from all the way across the country via the internet live stream of the competition. He watched it Friday night and all day Saturday. We texted throughout the entire show. He was cracking me up! He was so meant to be a dance parent. He gets it! The complicated scoring. The difficulty levels. The different categories. He was making judgmental comments with the rest of us by day 2! He rocked.

It meant so much to Bre that he showed that much interest. I wish his first competition experience could have been more of a "kick ass and take names" weekend on our studio's part. It just wasn't our competition.

Didn't think I could love that man more. I was wrong. SIGH

I'm going to nap now. My friend "F" invited me over to watch the Superbowl at his families house. I'm not sure I will have completely recharged by then. I will probably just hang here with my 3 favorite boys.

This was a sweet sight after a long weekend............

Bailey the Magnificent

2012-02-02T20:58:00.005-07:00

I went over to my parents house after work today to pick up the boys. My Dad asked me to come in so he could show me something................

My family believes in cheap entertainment at the expense of the family dog.

Kids, Let's Talk...............

2012-02-01T20:35:00.002-07:00

20 Things to Share with your High School and Middle School Student

I came across this at The Aha Connection

1. Yes, your freshman year counts towards your GPA for college entrance. Screw it up and you’ll work for crap wages your whole life.

2. No means NO. In every possible circumstance.

3. Join every sport, every club, every after school activity no matter what the cost. It’s cheaper than bail.

4. Repeat after me: I am never in that much of a hurry…I am never in that much of a hurry. Now say that every time you get behind the wheel. It will save your life and that of your best friend in the seat next to you.

5. Don’t smoke pot. It ruins your short term memory. (Did I already say that?)

6. Don’t ever get a credit card and go into debt. Ever. You earn it or you live without it.

7. If I yell at you, it’s because I love you. And also, because you pissed me off. To avoid the latter, stop being an idiot.

8. Make a vivid picture inside your head of every great moment of your childhood. You’ll need those to get through adulthood.

9. Make snow angels as often as possible.

10. Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.

11. Be always benevolent. Yes, that’s a word. Look it up.

12. Call me for a ride even if you are so drunk you barely know my number. I’ll probably be mad for a while but I’ll respect you for calling and I won’t kill you. Riding with someone who is drinking will.

13. Be a leader, not a follower. Unless you are doing stupid things, then follow the kid with the highest GPA.

14. Love your siblings, even when you don’t like them. Some day you will be trying to get them to take care of me in my old age. If they are mad at you, you are stuck with me.

15. I’ve been there, done that on more things than you can imagine. I’m not stupid and I know what you are doing. I was once you (times ten).

16. Work hard at everything you do. Anything worth doing is worth doing your best.

17. Cover it. (Enough said.)

18. When I tell you to clean your room, do not point at my messy room and raise your eyebrows. I’m trying to raise you to be better than me.

19. Learn to type; to budget; and to pray. All are very important.

20. Never be sedentary. Someday soon you will no longer be able to move like that. Enjoy it.

Good Day

2012-02-01T13:35:00.005-07:00

There are so many reasons my day started out great!

First of all I got a good morning wake up call from the man. That started my day off good. I had fallen asleep while texting him last night and woke up to the sound of his voice this morning. Next best thing to being there! I miss him so dang bad.

Second, I pull up into the parking lot of my office. It is a very, secure, conservative, no nonsense kind of campus. I park my car and open the door to get out. On the ground, in the empty parking spot next to me, a few objects on the ground catch my eye: a single sock, a half full bottle of cologne, and a condom pouch with condoms in it-on the pouch it said "you have the answer to safe sex in the palm of your hand" (That could be taken in a number of ways I suppose).

I'm not sure how long I stood staring at what I had found. It obviously had fallen out of someone car last night in their rush to get out of the office. I pondered whether to gather the lost items and take them to the lost and found in our security office. Then decided no, not a good plan. Being the anti-litter bug I am, I considered just throwing them away, but I couldn't bring myself to touch them. I was more worried about touching the dirty sock than the pouch of condoms.

I finally opted to walk past them and pretend that I never saw them. I headed toward the building when I got this thought in my head that was part horror and part humor........Someone is going to walk past that later and think they fell out of my car due to the close proximity. My mommy-van is very recognizable. I debated turning back but decided against it thinking that an exciting scandalous rumor about me could be a good thing. I'm smiling to myself as I walk in the building. My buddy D sees me looking uncharacteristically cheerful for this time of the morning. He asks what's up and I tell him. He could care less about the pouch of condoms and wanted to know why I left a perfectly good bottle of cologne out there. If he disappears for too long at lunch, I have a suspicion where he may be!

So, besides starting my day with two huge opportunities for grins, the first email of the day I get was a glowing compliment from a client. She advised she is going to go to my company's facebook site and tell what an awesome service experience I provided.

I've been in a good mood all day! As I've said before, it really doesn't take much. Not much at all.
===============================================

9 hours later..............

I'm glad my day started out on such a good note. It's not that it ended on a bad note, it's just that I'm exhausted. I stayed after work to do some schoolwork. Then I had to do the whole WalMart thing. It was crowded, people were without common sense....... the usual. Now I'm home and I'm beat!

I had to get essentials for my trip. I had to stock the cabinets for the boys so they don't think they are starving while I'm gone. They'll likely be staying with my Dad, but it still needed to be done. I'm doing laundry tonight and tomorrow, then I will fit packing in at some point. Bre needed a million things.

Sigh

Now I want to sit. Sit and chill. I'm really hoping that this Winter storm moving in to the area within the next few days does not interrupt my plans. I really want to get away.

Mermaid & Little Drop of Poison

2012-01-29T18:02:00.005-07:00

Bre had an extra practice today for her solo and duet. She is only doing one solo this year, a result of the aforementioned drama at the studio. But the one she is doing, I really like. She is a mermaid, thus the name of the solo, "Mermaid." We are going to do very dramatic, mermaidish eye makeup with rhinestones on her face. I think it will look good on stage. I also think this is one of her best solo's yet.

This next video is her duet with her best friend, Ashleigh. It's not a very technically difficult duet. But I love these two dancing together. They make a good fit with their similar body types. Both of them are 5 foot 10 and allllllll legs. Hopefully, they will ham it up on stage with the expressions on their faces to bring out the fun in this character-type duet.

Mommy Fail

2012-01-29T12:41:00.006-07:00

Koby came in with a piece of paper and asked me to make him a paper airplane. Wanting to be a good Mom in a household that does not have a Dad to do these things, I obliged.... DESPITE my whole issue with the sound of creasing paper.

I manged to gently pat rather than crease, and it seemed to do the trick. Truth be told, I was quite proud.

I handed Koby the finished product.

"Mom! I said an airplane, not a school bus!"

Once upon a time I could have convinced him it was a flying school bus. He's getting too smart for me now.

These are the incidents my children will be discussing with their future therapist.

Out And About

2012-01-28T13:58:00.006-07:00

I am outta the house today! The sun is shining and I feel good! Right now the boys and I are waiting to get them a much needed haircut. We just came from their basketball games, a doubleheader. They did great. After the game, a lady came up to me and said, "I heard the Koby and Jaydon have never played on a team before. I couldn't tell. They look like they have been playing for years. They are terrific players." I thanked her as I shuffled the boys off to the after-game huddle.

The coach started telling the boys he looks for 2 things during each game. He then asked the boys what these two things are. The boys shout out, "Attitude!" and "Effort!" in reply. The coach then went on to say, "Boys I was so proud of all of you today. When I saw you all play today........" Koby, the child of mine with no filter shouts out, "it was as if we've been playing for years!" I guess he overheard the lady's compliment. The coach laughed and agreed with Koby's comment.

After this, they want to go rent some movies and get a bite to eat. It's just me and the little guys today. Tre spent the night with one of his buddy's from his basketball team, Travis. Since Travis has his license they are driving around watching high school games this afternoon, at whichever nearby schools are playing. Bre, of course, is up at the studio getting every last second of practice time she can get in before the first competition.

I'm just stoked to be out of the house. The boys are hinting they would love to go home, find a basketball game on tv, and crash out for a few hours. They are not nearly excited as I am about being out and about. They are just about falling asleep here in the waiting room at Sports Clips.

============= Later on =============

I did not know Blockbuster was still in business. I had forgotten how I missed actually going in a store and renting movies. Redbox has lost its luster for me. There are just not enough of them. People get hella impatient if they have to wait behind you. The movie choices are limited. And they have made their share of errors on my account. Going into an actual Blockbuster again was refreshing.

We picked out some flicks and swung by 5-Guys Burger and Fries! We are set! Bre and Tre still are not home. I've been avoiding going up to the studio as much as possible. Usually by now, I know the routines as well as Bre does because I'm up there so much. Not this year. So much drama. Abbey Lee ain't got nothing on this place. I'll share later. I'm ready for this dance season to be over and the competition season hasn't even begun.

I Have No Clue What Day it is

2012-01-27T20:19:00.002-07:00

Sonny called and asked me to do his taxes. I told him I did not have a problem but I would need to know his "official" marital status. One of the questions asked is, "Have you been married or divorced this past year?" From what I know, he has been twice married and at least once divorced. But I'm not certain.

He was skyping with the kids the other night and he told them to add Ms. Yvette (the one from Texas) to their skype list. Tre went to add her and her name is Yvette Young. So none of us can figure out who he's married to and he does not feel it is our business. All I can do is shake my head. Both Adele and Yvette have his last name and both Adele and Yvette think they are in a relationship with him. Both Adele and Yvette think they are the only ones.

I told him until I have accurate information, I cannot, in good conscience, do his taxes. It sounds like a messy situation. I don't think I want my fingerprints anywhere near that situation.

I have to give blood work every day for the next 6 months. They drew 12 tubes of blood from me today. I was light-headed afterwards. I have to do this every day for an eternity. This is not going to be inconvenient at all!

I'm not in pain today. I feel pretty good. I've never been so tired of being cooped up in my house. I'm getting ready to drive Bre and her friend up to ArtSports so they can practice their tumbling for a few hours.

The babies have two basketball games tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house for those!

Then next weekend I get a break from here and get to get out of town for a few days. I'm really excited about that.

I hear the girls hinting from downstairs, not so subtly, that I'm holding them up.

Gotta run.

Over This

2012-01-27T06:56:00.003-07:00

The last few days have not been fun. But I have learned a lot about the people in my life and I have a new found appreciation for two of them. My Mom of course has been a huge help. I don't know what I would have done without her. My friend F has also really been there for me. He and I have had our ups and downs but he could not have been a better friend to me than the way he was the last few days. I'm going to work on being a better friend to him.

I'm starting to get cabin fever. I will get out today to have some blood work done. F offered to take me and I may take him up on it just so I can have some company. I didn't sleep well last night. The kids just left for school and the house is way too quiet. I'm so ready to put this behind me.

Done already.*Sigh*

Assessed by Dr McG

2012-01-26T10:46:00.003-07:00

I just got back from my primary care doctor (formerly known as Dr. McGorgeous) this morning. It looks like I may be a coumadin clinic patient for the rest of my life while having to take that dreadful drug. He is first sending me to a Hematologist for a consult to see what the Hematologist thinks is best for my stubborn blood that is insistent on coagulating a bit too easily. I have to get blood work done everyday in the near future so they can measure something or other. And he put in a referral to the coumadin clinic so that can get me to a proper dosage of coumadin and continue to monitor me from here out........until I die.

This could have been much worse, I know. But I'm a self-admitted big a$$ baby. This sucks. I don't have time to deal with this.

The pain is better today. Just uncomfortable enough to annoy the hell outta me.

It looks like I am able to go back to work Monday. He said I can get back in the gym as soon as the pain subsides.

So ready to put this behind me.

Just Not Having It

2012-01-25T20:38:00.003-07:00

I am having a hard time with these Lovenex shots. I'm not afraid of needles, not at all. But I have discovered that I am not capable of stabbing myself with one. I've tried. I will get it all positioned and start counting, "one, two, thr......" but I can't bring myself to stab it in and break the skin.

Thankfully, my Mom has been nice enough to come over twice today to give me my belly shots. She also bought me a sharps disposal container for the old needles.

I was bored out of my mind today. I did a lot of staring at the ceiling, feeling completely useless. I go to see my primary care doctor in the morning. Mom is coming to pick me up and take me.Being the nerd I am, I'm already ahead 2 weeks on my school work. I don't want to get any further ahead until the stuff I have submitted has been graded and I see how the professor feels about the work I do to see if I need to change up anything I've been doing.

I talked to the man for a little bit today in the midst of his busy travels. I really wish just the sound of his voice did not have such an affect on me. I've got to get tougher. Missing him this bad is not helping things.

This blood clot crap is a minor setback and is not going to detour me from my goals this year. I'm trying so hard not to sink into depression. It's hard to keep your mind busy when you can't keep your body busy. When these things dissolve I'm going to be unstoppable.

It's Ba-aaack

2012-01-24T22:13:00.004-07:00

Well, tonight sucked. I spent over 5 hours in the ER. Luckily it wasn't in the waiting room of the ER. I had a nice comfy bed, and TV and they had the lights turned down. They actually got me in and talking to a doctor less than 10 after arriving. So, besides feeling sorry for myself that I was there all alone, it was a pretty relaxing setting. Oh yeah, AND they didn't have Lifetime, so I missed my Dance Moms fix.

But anyway......

My friggin blood clots are back. AKA deep vein thrombosis. And I know I said I wouldn't cuss on my blog this year but DAMN IT!

They found one in my pelvis, which is the same place I had one after I had was pregnant with the boys. Then a new one in my calf.

I'm back on Coumadin and I have to give myself shots of Lovenex, twice daily in the stomach.

I'm pissed. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm in pain. But most of all, I'm tired of being broken!

I'm sure I drove everyone nuts while I was laid up in the ER with all of my texts. I was texting Mom giving her a play by play of everything the doctor said so that she could translate it to my simple mind. I was texting the kids making sure everyone had their homework done and their clothes picked out for tomorrow. I was texting a coworker who listened to me complain all day at work how much my leg hurt, he asked for an update once I got to the hospital......guess I went overboard. And I texted the man because he always has a way of making me feel better.

I didn't mean to get on anyone's nerves. I was just scared. I needed the distraction.

Mom is convinced I should still be laid up in the hospital but I am so glad to be at home in my own bed! I don't think I would have done well by myself having to stay in the hospital. I'm a big baby. Besides, the kids need me here. I guess the lovenex starts dissolving the clots pretty quick. It's not like when I had this last time and they had to give me medicine through an IV. Apparently, this shot I take twice daily along with the coumadin blood thinners will dissolve it. It's unknown right now how long I'll have to do the meds. Last time I was on coumadin for a year. It was not fun. Every time I brushed my teeth my gums bled like I was having major surgery.

I'm still scared. But I am thankful it was caught in time before something life threatening happened.

I've got things to do and kids to raise. I can't go anywhere yet.

Let The Music Play

2012-01-22T19:43:00.003-07:00

I got to enjoy hearing Tre sing at church youth services tonight. Having the youth services on Sunday night is throwing off our schedule just a little bit. Our church is going through big changes right now due to lack of finances. Until further notice, the Wednesday night youth group is canceled. There are many disheartening changes due to forced budget cuts.

As of the first of the year we are all crammed back into one church. Prior to the financial problems, we had two campuses. One campus was more traditional with a worship service that has the choir and the bell ringers and every sits in pews. The other campus had a praise and worship band. We all sat in chairs, drank coffee and ate pastries as we listened to the sermon. This campus also housed all the youth activities. They had their own service and their own praise and worship band.

When the financial difficulties came along, we had to move out of the 2nd campus and figure out a way to house everything at the first campus. This entailed having the youth praise and worship on Sunday evenings.

We'll make the best of it. The kids said they like the idea of going to church then coming home to a big Sunday meal. It will be much less painful for the boys once football season is over. They got interrupted from watching a playoff game this evening in order to go to church. They made me play it on the car radio in the church parking lot up until the last minute before we had to go in.

I talked not too long ago about what I would do with the money if I won the lottery. Now I need to add "Help out the church". Going through change is hard no matter what. I just hate seeing things like youth programs and mission trips for the high schoolers and middle schoolers cut.

A few days ago I took Bre and her friend from dance, Ashleigh to Bre's high school talent show. There were lots of singers. There were only two or three dance numbers. There were a few instrument solo's. There were 3 bands. These bands showed me I'm old. I've never been into alternative music. To each his own. Just not my thing. I would call what I heard from those bands at the talent show punk. But Bre said it is more specifically called, screamo. That is an appropriate name for what I heard. How those kids vocal cords were not bleeding afterwards is beyond me. How my eardrums were not bleeding is beyond me.

I TRIED to find the positive in that gawd awful noise. I was trying to at least understand what they were saying and the message they were trying to convey. But I could not distinguish one single word. I just waited as patiently as possible for the song to be over.

If you've never heard it you can sample it here. Good luck to ya.

Yup, I'm old. I'm old and I'm terribly happy that my children aren't into that type of music. As close-minded as that sounds, I truly don't think my nerves could take it.

Double Trouble Hoop it Up!

2012-01-21T17:35:00.002-07:00

Here are my babies with their post-game coaches talk after their very first official basketball team basketball game. They had so much fun! Shoot, I had so much fun! It brings back the memories of Tre playing at that age. Having 2 little stars out there at once is twice as fun. These two may surpass their big brother's legacy. Of course they have the added advantage of having a big brother that has been working with them since they could walk. I'm convinced they have the whole twin telepathy going on out there. They each just know where the other one is and played well with each other and as a part of a team overall.

Koby was the first to score for his team with an effortless layup. Jaydon was the last one of the day to put points on the board. Both of them are monsters on defense. They played hard. Both were drenched after the game. Poor JJ was red for at least an hour after the game.

I'll admit, I had to put effort into toning down my enthusiasm on the sidelines. I can't be the same competitive Mom as I am at Tre's high school games. I had to take myself back a few years to remember the etiquette of the play for fun, non-competitive ball games for the little guys. Of course, I cheered for my little guys, reminding them: "Arms up!, Defense guys! Box out! Get the rebound!" However, as expected, I clapped politely when the other team scored and made the appropriate complimentary comments when someone on the other team did something extraordinary. I was good and did not cheer when one of my kids knocked another kid on their butts. In a few years, I'll get my chance to do that.

For now, it is just a blast watching them have a blast. They really did run hard. Evidence is shown below. They each took a 2-hour nap this afternoon. They were wiped out!

Doggone It

2012-01-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

I rented from Redbox this evening. I just finished watching Courageous, the best movie of 2012 so far to me. One of the best I've seen in...........I don't know how long. This movie me had go through all of my emotions. I laughed. I cried. I got angry. I got excited. I got sad. I felt inspired. It was great. I'm not convinced there are actually men in the world like the men in this movie. But still it was incredible and touching.

I can't wait to go to work on Monday and talk about it with my buddy "D". This is so the kind of movie he would love. I'm SURE he has seen it. If not, he'll be highly annoyed by me come 5pm on Monday afternoon.

Speaking of being annoyed..........................

Okay, I'm sleeping last night. My dog, Bo, loves to sleep in the crook behind my legs when I'm sleeping on my side. I guess it keeps him warm. If I roll over during the middle of the night, he will patiently way for me to get settled, climb over me and again snuggle up behind the backs of my knees. Last night as he was making his little nest, he carried his squeaky toy bone to lie down next to him.

No problem.

UNTIL he decided to start chewing on Mr Squeaky bone at 2am.

Squeak,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Squeak...................Squeak Squeek Squeek....................Squeek Squeek...........Squeek Squeek

Bo! Stop! I nudged him ever so gently. Well, as gently as one is capable after being woken up at 2am by squeak toy.

He would be quite for a minute. Then I would hear the faintest squeak squeak, then it got louder, squeak squeak squeak. Then he really started getting into it again. SQUEAK SQUEAK.

Grrrrr!

ENOUGH! I reach behind me and grabbed the squeaky toy and put it under my pillow. Bo sat there for a moment like, "Oh no she di'int!" He gets up in disgust and walks up to my pillow and starts pawing at my pillow.

Seriously Bo?

He finally gave up because I held it firmly in my hand under the pillow under my head. I fell back asleep.

At around 4am, I get up to go to the bathroom forgetting all about the dang toy under my pillow. I finish my business and get back into bed. I look over at my clock to calculate my remaining amount of sleep time and then I close my eyes.

squeak squeak squeak

I'm sure the little monster had been sitting and planning ever since I took that thing away. "Silly human. I'll show her for taking my squeaky bone away!" He waited until I left the room and went and stole back his bone. He thought he was slick because that last set of squeaks was coming from under my bed somewhere.

I gave in and clamped another pillow down over my head. Now all I could hear were faint muffled squeaks but I was finally able to fall back asleep.

He's lucky he's cute during the day.

A Thousand Years

2012-01-20T23:10:00.003-07:00

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty I know she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Planning Made Official

2012-01-18T20:48:00.006-07:00

My calendar for 2012 is getting full with all of my, "I gotta do this, THIS year" activities. I have registered to take the class to get my concealed weapon permit. One of the "dance dads" is a fireman and he offered to have the class for us at the cost of the materials only. I'm very happy to be getting this done finally. It is in few weekends from now, on a Sunday. That's the weekend before I go out of town.

I also put my 3 fitness goals on the calendar for 2012. It's in ink now y'all. No turning back!

1. July 28 - The Dirty Girl Mud Run in Denver.
2. Aug 4 - (the day after my 42nd birthday) Hike the Manitou Incline.
3. Nov 22 - Run the YMCA Turkey Trot.

Those are the only things I'm committing too in ink. I'm so pumped!

I got home entirely too late tonight. I got off at 4:30 but I stayed at my desk until 7:30 trying to get ahead on school work. It's just easier to do it after work. Less distractions and I love working with the double computer screens. I can have my paper that I'm writing up on one screen and pull up the resources that I'm working from on the other screen. I get so much more done when I do my homework from there rather than home.

After work I hit Walmart. I finally rolled in the door about 8:30. My kids ribs were poking through their shirts out of sheer starvation. Yeah, I wasn't so good with time management today. Will do better tomorrow.

Behave Kristin!

2012-01-17T16:28:00.017-07:00

See, here is my response to Sonny's updated FB status. I was NICE people! Not one sarcastic word at all. However, it is taking everything within me not to make a smart ass comment on Adele's comment. But, she's in her bubble. It would not be nice to pop it. She'll figure it out one day. In the meantime, it's entertaining in a morbid kinda way. Kinda like that car wreck that you can't help but watch. SIGH.....Sorry . That's not nice. I really need to work on that. It would just be ten times more interesting if Yvette were in on all of the well wishes. Ok, I'm stopping. Jeeeesh! However, it would be perfect if Facebook had a "Rolling my eyes" response.

Winston is married.

· · · Monday at 5:02pm

Kia and 4 others like this.
- Zandra Married with kidddsssssuuuhh! :-)
  22 hours ago ·
- Kristin Drury-Young That's a great profile pic. I'm glad to see you smiling rather than your typical "mean" photo face.;p We got to talk to your Mom and Dad not to long ago. They sound so good. They are ok with the older kids coming out this Summer to spend some time. Lets try to plan this. Be safe!
  19 hours ago ·
- Winston Ok great. I will call you this week. They will have fun.
  8 hours ago ·
- Adele See baby I told u smiling looks so much better then your "mean" face. Lol meanie ;) I still love u tho mean face and all!!!
  4 hours ago ·

Edit #2, ** erase the last names to protect the innocent (and the idiots)

A Mud Run

2012-01-16T22:27:00.004-07:00

OOOOH ! I found another thing I want to do in 2012 as part of my journey to fitness.

The Kiss Me Dirty Race !

This looks like fun. Bre has agreed to do this one with me. I may be able to get mom to join us. Maybe even some girls from the studio.

I can't wait until July!!

MLK Day

2012-01-16T20:48:00.003-07:00

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Survived Monday! Woot woot! What a Monday it was, too! For those of you waiting with baited breath, I am not the most recent lottery winner. However, the sweet housekeeper that I split the ticket with was not at work today. So, it very well could be that she took the winning ticket and got the heck outta dodge. I wouldn't blame her a bit! After work I went up to Big Lots to see what I could find for my big home organizing project. I found a clothes hang rack to put in the laundry room next to the washer and Dryer to hang those things that are not supposed to be dried and for clothes that need to be hung up fresh out of the dryer. I also got a bunch of cheap little tension rods for the cabinet organization that I talked about yesterday. I'm trying to decide which drawer, cabinet or closet I want to tackle first.

My ex husband continues to amuse and confuse me. He is married again.......or still. Not sure which. When he was living with me before his deployment, it was because him and Adele's divorce was final and he couldn't stand her and he had his sights on Yvette from Texas again. He went to Texas to see Yvette several times before he deployed. I still get his mail and he's been receiving stuff from his bank addressed to he and Yvette. I'm assuming he put her on one of his bank accounts before he left. He put his motorcycle on a trailer and hauled most of his contents down to El Paso for storage so that Yvette could keep an eye on them. To include his truck. He left his truck in El Paso with Yvette.

Yesterday he updated his status to "Married". He changed his profile pic to a photo of him and Adele. His status today was something about how he would love his wife Adele for the rest of his life. I checked and it doesn't look like he and Yvette from Texas are facebook buddies.

So, me being nosy, I decide to check out Adele's FB page. I should probably "friend" her but......nawwwww. Her status updates show how head over heals in love she is with Sonny. She sings his praises about him constantly. My husband this.......My husband that............
She's got it bad.

Right now, I do believe Sonny believes what he is saying and feeling about Adele. But I get eerie flashbacks reminding me of the roller coaster that was our marriage. Our relationship only survived the amount of time that it did because of deployments. It was when Sonny deployed that, that man loved me the most. He was so good to me when he was deployed. He couldn't tell me enough how much I meant to him. But the second he got home. And I do mean the second he got home, he was back to his old ways. It's like he built up this vision in his mind of me and our family while he was gone and when he got home and it did not live up to the picture he had in his mind, he was Mr Ass again. It happened every single time. While he was gone, he would vow to be a better father and husband. And just like with Adele, I really do believe he believed what he said at that time. But when he got back to the reality of the real world, he realized it was the same place he left before he deployed. It wasn't the portrait of perfect that he had been dreaming about while deployed.

I was just as dumb. When he would go into his sweet mode while deployed, I was convinced he had changed and had just come to realize how much I meant to him. I just knew that life was going to be wonderful when he returned this changed man.

I'm not sure how many deployments it took going through before I realized this was a cycle. BUT, I finally did learn.

A part of me really does feel sad for Adele. I KNOW the euphoria she is going through now. I also know how he will be to her when he gets back.

This is so not my business. I even commented on his photo of the two of them what a great photo it was and I was glad to see him smiling because he rarely smiles for photos. Outside looking in, it is so easy to see how this is going to go. But I suppose many of you probably were thinking the same thing about me, if you kept up with my blog way back when. It's not my job to warn Adele. I wouldn't dream of it. I also know that it would be a fruitless effort.

When he gets back, he will be Mr Lovely for a few days to her and her kids. Within 2 weeks of him coming back there will be a big blow out. It will suddenly dawn on him that he had forgotten how bad her kids got on his nerves. He will remember the reasons for the loud, cussing fights in the middle of the night that he and Adele used to have. He will remember that Adele has an issue with him clubbing until the wee hours of the morning. Then he will be unbearable to live with. He will decide to move out on his own but will ask to temporarily crash here until he finds a place.

My house, the safe haven away from all of his other "crazy" wives. lol

It will be interesting to find out what he is going to tell Adele when he has to go to Texas to get his belongings. We all know he won't tell her. He'll make up a story about flying in to see his parents in Baltimore.

I know this man. And now that we aren't married, he doesn't hide his deceiving acts towards his other women, when he is around me. I heard him on the phone telling Yvette he loved her, and not two minutes later telling some girl named Dina that he loved her. How does a person do that?

The fact that he is 47 years old and still playing this game is cause for concern. I think we a bordering on some type of psychological issue. I think he believes his lies because he is so used to telling them. Integrity and character mean nothing to him.

Why do I feel so bad for him?

Why do I feel even worse for the women he is putting through this?

At the same time I think both he and they are complete idiots. *Sigh*

Oh well, it's not my mess to clean up. I love my, for the most part, drama-free life. If others choose to open the door for drama, so be it. They are all grown people.

A Brand New Week

2012-01-15T20:17:00.007-07:00

Annnd the weekend comes to an end. The kids are off tomorrow for MLK day. My company does not allow us to observe that holiday unfortunately. It makes Sunday night kinda nice when the kids don't have school the next day. It has been nice and relaxing rather than the usual rush, rush, rush to get ready for the next day.

Bre is waiting to be picked up to go spend the night at a friends house. Tre has had a friend over since Friday. I think I may have informally adopted Jordan. I have not cooked all weekend. I have been filling them full of fast food and junk food. They don't seem to have a problem with it. Tre and Jordan have been great about letting the little ones hang out with them. For that I am thankful.

I did not hit the YMCA all weekend long. But I won't dwell on the negative. I DID complete all of my school work for the coming week. I DID get my taxes filed today. I DID go into the office for four hours on Saturday. I DID get my kitchen tidied up. I DID handle the Denver Broncos loss with extreme grace. That's about all this weekend was going to get out of me. But, surprisingly, I'm looking forward to getting back in the gym this week.

It always seems that this time of year finds me wanting to organize. I think that happens to a lot of people. One of my co-workers, Pat, decided to take on this daunting task in her household, one thing at a time. I think it was her New Years resolution. She started with a kitchen drawer one day, and that's all she set out to do for that day. A few days later she tackled one cabinet. This past weekend she cleaned out her refrigerator on one day, and a closet on the next. I think Pat may have inspired me. BUT, what fun is cleaning and organizing without brand new cleaning an organizing supplies? Yup, an excuse to shop. I'm thinking I may hit Ikea in Denver this weekend. In the meantime I'm surfing the net looking for ideas.

I put some of the ideas on my Pinterest Board.

I love this idea of using an old magazine holder to organize can storage.
And this idea of using tension rods to help organize cookie sheets, cutting boards and pan lids is brilliant.

I'm excited to get organizing!

Oh, a buddy at work has agreed to possibly train so he can run the 5k Turkey Trot with me in November. He won't go as far as to promise, but the process of trying to reach our fitness goal together will make it more fun.

One of my other co-workers is giving me hints on the Manitou incline climb that I'm planning this Summer. I'm thinking for my 42nd birthday in August. He climbs the incline just for fun when the weather is nice. He gave me the hint to climb it in the evening hours. The climb is on the east facing side of the mountain. He said if you go in the morning or too early in the day, the sun beats down on you and makes it a miserable climb. However, in the evening once the sun gets over the mountain, it is a shaded climb. My only worries are not timing it correctly and getting stuck up there in the dark. It's not an issue for him because on any given day he makes an impulse decision to go climb the incline and does the entire round trip climb in an hour and a half. Me, I have to plan 8 months in advance.

My co-workers are the reason that I can tolerate my job. I work with some great people. I know I don't talk about them much but I'm feeling especially thankful for them lately. They definitely make work bearable.

There is D who sits right across the wall from me. He's a hoot. We have the tackiest conversations throughout the day. I love it. He's the one that might possibly do the 5k Turkey Trot with me. He's also very strong in his faith. I admire that about him. He probably knows more about me that he should, which gives him big time ammo if he ever needs it.

Then there is R. She and I have a lot in common with our busy kids, that aren't too far off from my kids ages. We always trade stories about our kids.....the good, the bad and the ugly. And I love it because there is no judgement involved. We both can just completely relate. She is down to earth and real. Nothing phony about her at all. I love that. R and D are the only ones I have entrusted with the fact that I have a blog and given them the info to access it.

Then there is A. He shares a cubicle with me. He is an interesting character. He's the expert incline climber. "A" is from South Africa so he has a thick accent that closely resembles a Brittish accent. Half the time we have to ask him to repeat himself because he says the most random things and nobody can pick up what he said most of the time. A and D are a hoot together. D has A's accent down pat. It irks some clients when they call and get A. More than once, the client has requested to speak to someone that speaks English when they get A on the phone. It's hilarious considering his English is more proper than anyone else's by far. But the best part is when he stuns the client into silence by saying the word "Pawn Shop". It is not uncommon for an adjuster to inquire whether or not the client has checked with local pawn shops after being the victim of theft. However, with his thick accent, it comes out sounding like "Porn Shop". A is also a borderline hoarder with his desk and drawers. It hilariously scary.

~~If I leave~~ When I leave I will miss all of them very much.

The Only Exception

2012-01-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing

Daydreaming

2012-01-12T18:55:00.004-07:00

Wish I had some ultra intelligent word to describe today, but the best I can come up with is, "It sucked."

I had it coming at me from all sides today. I don't know how I did not fold. I think probably because I have been so busy with everything else, that I haven't had time to process it all. I'm sure I will completely lose all the composure I've tried to maintain, once I settle down for the night.

It's a good thing I'm off tomorrow.

This evening helped a lot! I didn't even think about my day once I got to Jaydon and Koby's basketball practice. Oh how I have missed seeing that age play ball. I remember when Tre played at that age. To dang cute! Now my baby's are on their very first basketball team. They did soooo good. Playing with their big brother all these years has definitely given them a leg up. They are going to be my little basketball stars! There is NOTHING better than watching your kids do their thing and have fun.

Now we are home. I'm trying to orchestrate showers, homework and dinner. I had to sit for a minute and catch my breath. Maybe if I keep busy busy busy until I crash tonight, I won't have time to reflect on all of the scary changes that are going on in my world and how much the job is stressing me out.

One of our housekeeping staff at work passes by my desk every morning. She has been employed there for as long as I can remember. She is older. She seems kinda tired. Kinda like it's time she quit this gig and start enjoying retirement. I don't think she is able to afford to quite yet. She is a sweet lady.

She now has spoiled me rotten. We have kitchens on every floor with dish bins for your dirty dishes that you bring up with you from the cafeteria. I eat at my desk 99.99% of the time. I let my dishes collect on the edge of my desk until I have a reason to go anywhere near the kitchen. Every morning after she does her cleaning sweep of the bathrooms near my side of the building, she pushes her cart down the isle that is between the windows and my desk. She always picks up my dishes from the prior day and takes them to the kitchen for me. She specifically told me that she only does this for me because she happens to pass by my desk anyway.

She will usually stop to talk for a minute. She has grown children that are spread out all over the country. I love to hear her stories about her children. She tells me straight up that I have put on weight. She notices if I'm out of the office for any period of time. She remembers me when I was pregnant with Koby and Jaydon. I didn't even know her back then! I have grown quite fond of her.

The other day I told her I just want out. I want to be a woman of leisure and live a lifestyle commensurate with such. She smiled and agreed that we need to be the next big lotto winners. Then we talked about how neither of us play the lottery on a regular basis. A couple of times a year, I may pick up a quick pick while I'm getting gas, but I couldn't even tell you what night the drawings are on. We agreed that one day we should go together on some tickets and be the next rags to riches story. Of course, since gambling is frowned upon in my work establishment, it was a hush, hush, giggle kind of a conversation.

She stopped by my desk today and was talking to my coworker and I. She said, "Today is the day. Lets get our ticket."

Okay. I'm reaching into my purse to grab a couple of bucks, my coworker is reaching for his wallet and she says, "NO. Just 1 ticket, split 3 ways. Thirty three cents each. If it is meant to happen it will happen with one ticket."

Okay. We each gave her a quarter and a dime. She is going to get the ticket tonight and bring it to us in the morning. She said the drawing is this weekend. She wants us to keep the ticket at our desk and on Monday we'll see if our lives will be changed forever.

Yeah, I know. But it's still nice to dream. I wonder what her dreams are? I wonder how her life would change if she were to win that kind of money. She could quit scrubbing toilets and spend her retirement years flying around visiting her kids. I like that thought. She deserves that.

Me, I would finally get to fulfill my dream of doing more mission trips and volunteering my time helping other people that REALLY need it. Maybe I could even start my own program of some sort. It would definitely be geared toward single Moms. Single, hard working Moms trying to make ends meet. The programs in place for childcare and housing are so rigid. It's almost if you make anything over minimum wage, you don't qualify for any help. Where is the incentive to do better? I remember the days when 80% of paycheck was eaten up my daycare costs. Thank God I was in a two income household at the time. If I was a single Mom at the time, I don't know what I would have done. I was making well over minimum wage at that time. But with two in daycare at once, it was expensive as hell. I made too much to get assistance. I remember getting my paycheck and seeing anywhere from $800 -$900 being taken from my check every two weeks for day care! There is no way I could have made it on my own back then. My options would have been very limited.

I would love to help mothers in the same situation. Help them with college tuition, daycare, housing, anything to help them stay afloat and keep striving to be in a better place. Yeah, THAT's what I would do if I had all of that money.

Dreaming is fun. See? It just took me away from my crappy day, if only for a few minutes. I've got to finish the nightly routine with the kids now.

Back to reality.

WW Week 4- Thinking Positive

2012-01-11T10:14:00.005-07:00

Today's weigh in indicates that I am down 7 pounds since I started this challenge four weeks ago. Yes, it is happening slowly. I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. This is historically where I would give up out of frustration. I'm not going to give up this time. I'm trying to find the positive in this incredibly slow process.

Positive thought #1 : I did NOT gain any weight over the holidays. This includes a few indulgences in moments of weakness.

Positive thought #2 :Although slow, at least the scale is going in the right direction.

Positive thought #3 : There is a strong sense of pride in the healthier habits I'm implementing and developing.

Positive thought #4 : I'm feeling a sense of "control". I, alone, am making this happen.

Positive thought #5 : I'm eating things I enjoy and I don't feel deprived. I know I could speed up the process by doing a no or low carb diet. But I feel deprived eating that way and the weight creeps back up the moment I stop. I can truly do THIS as a way of eating for life.

Positive thought #6 : I am closer to my weight and fitness goals than I was 4 weeks ago!

Mommy Confessions

2012-01-09T19:50:00.004-07:00

Came across this on Jill's Blog. I added my own little observations and also added one of my guilty confessions (#26 is mine)

1. Everyone thinks I'm such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn't me. It was the LeapFrog pen. I had no idea she could read.

2. When I get grouchy, I send myself to my room. Kids bang on the door and I tell them I can't come out and they can't come in until the timer goes off because I'm in time-out. For extra punishment, I make myself eat candy. Ooooh I'm using this one!

3. One of my favorite moments of the day is taking off my bra when I get home. Can I get ten loud AMEN'S on that one?

4. I cheat at board games to make them end faster. Cough, Cough......

5. DH wouldn't climb up in the attic to get my Halloween decorations down, so I did it. After I got them down, I carefully laid myself out on the floor and screamed in pain. Now he is doing whatever I want.

6. I hang around in sweats all day. Then 10 minutes before DH gets home from work, I put on some sexy pair of jeans and a cute top. Some might think this is laziness -- I think it's genius.

7. To my beloved arrogant teenage sons: payback comes tonight for all the gross or frustrating things you do. Your preteen sister is having 15 friends over ... and I'm not forewarning you. Love, Mommy

8. If they ever make it possible to prove whose Facebook pages you've been cruising, I'll have a lot of explaining to do. The thought of this scares me. I much prefer the phrase "intense research on an individual" over the word stalking. Stalking get a bad rap.

9. I stuck a hundred-dollar bill in my neighbor's mailbox yesterday because she just lost her job and I know she was already broke. DH would kill me if he found out -- we can't really afford it.

10. I have been forced to conclude that the reason kids have so much energy is because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves.

11. We had a new mattress and boxspring delivered, and when the delivery guys picked up the existing mattress to remove it, my "Blue Thunder" vibrator was under the mattress. Okay, I totally get this. Note to self, find a better hiding space for "The Rabbit" and his buddies. Remind me sometime to tell you the story of what started buzzing in my suitcase on the way to see the man last month.

12. When I send thank-you notes to people I don't like, I dump an ass-load of glitter or confetti in the envelope just to passive-aggressively piss them off.

13. My DH just tweeted how awesome it's going to be to come home to a home-cooked meal today. I wonder where he's going, and if he'll bring me back a plate ...

14. My number one reason for not wanting to have a third baby is that I pee my pants pretty much every day since my second was born two years ago. At this rate, my kids will soon be more potty-trained than I am.

15. Had to go on a special diet for gestational diabetes. Husband decided to do it with me, which was nice. In three weeks, I've gained 4 pounds and he's lost 15. This is why we hate men.

16. I am drafting a document so pointless and boring (that I know no one is ever going to read) that I am tempted to insert dirty words at random just to see if anyone notices. Too bad that would get me fired. Penis.

17. I do the income taxes every year, and I lie to my husband about how much we get back. I keep over half for myself (sometimes more).

18. I'm sick and tired of sanctimonious cloth diaper-users. You're really going to think you're better than me because of where your kid happens to shit? Shit's shit, honey, no matter where it lands. Hello! Damn straight.

19. I pretend I'm Julia Child when I cook and vocalize everything I'm doing in a silly accent. Shut up, it's fun.

20. Sometimes if I find myself alone with one person in an elevator, I like to smile at them very happily until they notice and then say, "I've got new socks." LOVE THIS, so going to try it!

21. I have a designated plucker. If I'm ever in a coma, my plucker promises to pluck my chin, eyebrow, and mustache hair when she visits me in the hospital. I will for her if she is in a coma. Important stuff!

22. I misdialed a 800# at work and accidentally called a sex hotline. On speakerphone. In a conference room full of people. Awesome.

23. Sometimes I can't be bothered to speak to people, so I pretend to have not seen them. Maybe this was the one that I wrote.

24. I dyed my hair its original color. I then ran around town telling people I was happy that the carpet matched the drapes. I thought the carpet meant eyebrows.

25. DS flushed his fishy down the potty today. He cried and asked to call heaven so he knows fishy made it. Called my dad and he acted like God. Made DS feel sooo much better.

26. Most of my kids artwork gets "recycled" when they are not looking. Yeah, this one is mine. Shhh. don't tell.

Monday Thoughts

2012-01-09T19:12:00.004-07:00

The kids and I just got home from the YMCA. I was on the stationary bike and Tre worked with the boys and their basketball fundamentals. Whew! I'm smoked. It feels good!

I survive work today. Lots of new opportunities on the horizon. Lots of decisions to make. Trying not to stress. I asked for change. I am seeking this. No need to stress.

I talked to the man this afternoon. As usual, he has a way of calming me down. Please dismiss my irrational thoughts yesterday about trying to move forward without him. I need him. No, I don't NEED him but I would highly desire to keep him around for awhile. Maybe forever. Yeah....forever. It was so great to hear his voice. If I haven't already said it a million time, I love this man. *Sigh*

On an exciting note...........Dance Moms starts again this week. I love me some Abbey Lee! The show also makes me feel better about me as a true Dance Mom. Even at my worst, I'm never as bad as those Moms. But I LOVE THEM.

I need a new suitcase. I have a trip coming up in a few weeks. All of my suitcases have disappeared. Sonny! I'm gonna get me an nice Zebra print suitcase. Big and bold! There's no way he'll try to "borrow" that one.

I'm so excited to start back to school next week. The almost two month break, rejuvenated me. My textbook came in the mail. I've already read the first 3 chapters and broke out the highlighter! Serious nerd here.

I'm exhausted. My body is done for the day. I'm on my way to a hot shower then bed!

Inside My Head Today

2012-01-08T16:20:00.006-07:00

Worked a few hours today, answering emails in the office. I was all down because this coming week is supposed to be my first full work week since before the holidays..........BUT, just realized I'm off on Friday. Woot woot! Since I worked 4 hours today, and I am working 4 hours next Saturday, I get to choose a day off during the week. I chose Friday! I just got a pep in my step!

Yes, it's still a 40 hour work week but it makes such a difference getting a day off during the week. I don't mind going in to answer emails on the weekends. I don't have to be on the phone. I can plug in my headphones to my iPhone and listen to music or play a Netflix movie. I can catch up on my own desk work once I have answered all of the pending emails. It's kinda nice.

Today I watched Netflix. I watched a series called, Prison Wives. It's a documentary about women with their husbands in prison and how they maintain a relationship, and how their life revolves around going to visit them on the weekend. I can't even imagine being in that situation. However, one lady gets a 48 hour conjugal visit with her spouse six times a year, she gets a regular visit on the weekends and a phone call every evening. She sees her inmate spouse more than I get to see the man. Most of the women are pretty much the stereotype of what you would expect these type of women to be. One or two may have broke that mold, but the majority of them were what I would imagine a prisoners wife to be like. (Judgmental much, Kristin?)

I get that you can't help who you fall in love with. Believe me, if anyone gets that, I do. But its one thing to be with someone prior to them being imprisoned and sticking with them throughout........But to meet someone after the are already in prison for life, correspond thru letter and phone calls and the occasional visit and dedicate your life to them, and send them money, it's ludicrous. If they are single women with no children, then really, it's nobody's business. Do your thing. You're grown and responsible for your own decisions. If you want to waste your life on someone that can never participate in the relationship on an equal level, so be it.

However, I was furious at the dumb lady that met this guy after he was incarcerated for murder. She moved her kids 5 times within 3 years to keep up with him as he was transferred from prison to prison. She married him. She made her 3 kids, ages 16, 13 and 10 call him Dad. They had only met him through phone calls and the occasional prison visit. Their bio father was an abusive loser and was not actively in their lives. When she was talking to him on the phone, if the kids were arguing in the background, she would tell her prisoner husband, "Honey, please say something to your kids, they are driving me nuts." She then puts him on speaker phone so he can chastise the children for their behavior in a father role type of way.

That infuriated me. What are you thinking lady? Are you really that desperate for a man in you and your children's life? He is doing two life sentences. He's not a real husband. It's one thing to be lonely and need someone, even if only through phone calls and letters, but to drag your kids into it? What are you teaching them? Be a strong single Mom. Put them in a stable environment.

It gets better. This same woman's mother was lonely, so she asks her prisoner husband to hook her Mom up with one of his prison buddies. So the Mom starts corresponding with this other prisoner and falls in love. The Mom is now following him around from city to city as he gets transferred. They make the kids call him Grandpa. He's never going to get out either. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

It was depressing for me to watch. These women, most of whom are at poverty level with their incomes as it is, are spending every dime they have to send their prisoner money, to pay for transportation to visit them every weekend and to pay for lawyer fees to try to get better lawyers. One was even working on a way to get artificially inseminated by her prisoner husband. She didn't have conjugal visits. Apparently she feels it is a good plan to bring a kid into the situation. Yep, that sounds like a plan. PURPOSELY bring an innocent child into that situation that you can't afford to take care of already.

Watching that series was like watching a train wreck. I was appalled, but kept watching.

And those are my thoughts on that......................

Other things going through my head lately...............

I am self admittedly, anti social. It takes more energy that I have to pretend I feel like feel like being social. I don't hate anyone or have ill feelings towards anyone, but when a person in my life does something that hurts or rubs me the wrong way. I just move past them and go on with my life. I don't carry that baggage with me. Unless of course it is my children's father. I'm kinda stuck with him for a while.

I have pushed more people out of my life within the past 5-6 years than I can count. If you hurt me or do something negative towards me, why would I continue to pursue a relationship? I just put it behind me and move on.....without that person.

I don't harbor resentment, anger or hate. I just don't have the energy to put into a friendship anymore. We are now on acquaintance status. No more, no less. Once I have lost that trust. It's gone. I won't put myself out there again. There have been people I really thought were best friends, that have wronged me in some way. When that happens, something in me shuts off. Time to move on.

I'm not saying I'm completely innocent when it comes to the demise of a friendship. I play my part in the relationship as well. But what makes me different than other people is I see other people going through rough patches in their friendships and they get over it and go right back to where they were. I don't have the ability to do that. There will always be that lack of trust. I don't want to invest anything into anyone that I can't trust.

When a so called best friend lies to you, over something stupid..........you question so many other things about them. I have a friend that did this. This was a friend I shared everything with. I waited for her to come clean about her lie. She never did. Something in me disconnected. She is still an acquaintance but I can't bring her in close to me anymore. I don't have the same trust.

When you are so in need of emotional support and you don't get it from a close friend, you feel like you are unworthy. I felt that anyway. So I pulled back from that relationship. I didn't want to be a burden with all of my issues. However, unrealistic it is, I expected her to know I needed her support and friendship. I'm not an easy friend to have. I guess you have to be psychic to be my friend. But, my instinct was to pull away from that friendship to save myself from getting hurt.

When you share information with a close friend and it gets back to you............done deal. They are then filed to the acquaintance status. That is such BS. There can be no trust after that. Why would I waste effort on maintaining a friendship?

My problem is, when I decide a friendship is over, it just is. I pull back and push them out. I don't offer an explanation. I'm just done. I probably owe an explanation, but I don't feel like putting forth that effort. Just go away.

In doing this, I have found I have very few true friends. Very few people are able to live up to this standard I have created. I could have tons of friends if I had the energy to put up false pretenses and pretend like I give a damn. But, again...........I don't want to expend that energy.

This is probably a terrible way to be. But it is who I am. I'd rather be alone than let too many people get too close to me only to let me down. It's kinda freeing in a way because I don't have too many people depending on me to be a good friend either. That's a big responsibility and it can weigh me down.

Am I happy this way? Mmmmm, probably not. It's so easy just to turn the focus on the kids and what is going on in this house. Go to work, come home, sleep, repeat. That is safe and comfortable to me.

I let the man in, in a big way. Sometimes I get frustrated by how much I have let him in. It opens me up to too much. I let things slide with him that I wouldn't let slide with anyone else, and I'm not sure why. I'm starting to question that. Maybe it would just be easier to push him out too. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Maybe it's just time to move on.

I'm so confused. Maybe this is why I want a new start in a new place. It just sounds so appealing to start over. New friendships and relationships. No ghosts from the past. It sounds so enticing.

I'm tired of being lonely.

Trying to Stay Motivated

2012-01-07T20:27:00.005-07:00

Went out to TGI Fridays this evening and stayed within my daily WW point allowance. I knew I was going out to eat tonight so I was careful all day. I had a Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage biscuit for breakfast. In the afternoon I only had a snack, one of those 100 calorie cookie packs. At TGI Fridays, I let my hair down!

For dinner I had the 10 oz Sirloin with Shrimp Scampi, mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. I even had 17 Crispy Fried Green Beans as an appetizer. Thanks to my iPhone I was able to look up how many TGI Fridays Crispy Fried Green Beans equal a serving and the nutrition information that goes with it. I was excited to learn that 17 individual beans were one serving for a total of 5 WW points!

I plugged it all into my iPhone WW app and just kept track of everything that I put past my lips. I stayed within my daily points and did not have to dig into my weekly extra freebie points. Nor did I have to cash in any of my activity points.

Granted, it's 8:30 pm and I'm out of points for the day, but that's okay.........I'm full! Really hoping that scale continues to go in a downward direction this coming week. I sucked at my water and fruit and veggie intake today. I'm trying to make up for my water this evening. This means I will be back and forth to the bathroom all evening and throughout the night.

I was a good girl yesterday. I stayed within my daily points, I drank ALL of my water, ate all of my fruit and veggie servings, took my vitamins and earned 5 activity points with the kids when we went to the YMCA. I would like to have at least 2 or 3 perfect days like that in a week.

With technology, it makes looking up this information so easy! Nutrition information is found for just about anything you find at a restaurant. Yes, it takes a few minutes out of your day to plug in the fat grams, protein, fiber and carbs. But so worth it.

Sorry to bore you but I have to stay pumped with this. I'm super excited about finally getting in some exercise. It is really kicking my butt, but I'm anticipating how good it will feel to get past the first hurdle of getting used to just getting out there and doing it on a regular basis to when it starts to make me feel rejuvenated and I see myself progressing in my cardio time, speed, and strength training. I'll get there.

I know I said I'm not setting myself up for failure by setting resolutions this year but 2 of my fitness goals are: 1. Climb the Manitou Incline and 2. Run the 5k Turkey Trot with the YMCA around Thanksgiving time.

The Manitou incline is a bear. Tre's football team climbed it for conditioning. Tre threw up. They had to run it, I'm hoping just to make it to the top with a nice easy pace. Even the most fit of the fit have a hard time running up the mile long incline in under 45 minutes. I'm planning on a leisurely hike (Straight up a mountain) that will take at least a couple of hours. Then I plan on collapsing in a heap at the top until I can breathe again.

I'm so far off from each of these goals that it's not even funny. I'm only able to achieve a 3.0 speed with the slightest incline of a 2.0 on the treadmill for 20 minutes. But, it's a start. Gotta start somewhere. Eventually I will attempt to advance to the Stairmaster. I'm thinking that will be excellent training for the incline.

I'm more excited about getting fit and being able to do these things than I am losing weight. But I'm thinking the weight loss will be a very nice benefit! Gawd I hope I can stay this motivated!

DYAC - bwahahaha

2012-01-05T22:13:00.003-07:00

Gotta love those uncontrollable, gut busting, tears rolling down your face kinda laughs. I just spent the last two hours on DYAC (Damn you Auto Correct!). I had things I needed to do tonight, but I got seriously sidetracked. I've been the unfortunate victim of my iPhone's auto correct before. If you need to laugh, check out this sight. I think the funniest things were the other persons reaction to the auto correct. Some people have the best sense of humor. My cheeks hurt!

It was an overall good day. I'm missing the man more than usual. Had to let him know that at least half a dozen times today. Can't wait to see him again.

We did the Walmart thing instead of The YMCA tonight. $437.00 later.............
I kid you not! Most of that was groceries. I also got an arm band for my iPhone because......check this out..................I found a pedometer app! Free! Love it! I like to see my steps add up so I'm finding myself taking the long way to the bathroom and cafeteria during the day (I go down to the cafeteria to get my fruit and water of course!). Serious nerd here. If I haven't already mentioned it seventeen thousand times.............I LOVE my iPhone.

The kids went back to school today. I wanted them to have a nice, fresh start so I took them to Office Max and told them to pick out whatever they needed to start off a new semester on a positive, successful note. $183.34 later................... I know, right? They better be pullin in all A's with all the stuff they got! The plastic on my USAA debit card is wearing thin. I must slow down.

I'm exhausted tonight. Walmart can wear me out quicker than the Y. I know ya'll are aware of the extent of my patience at that place. I'm super glad tomorrow is Friday. The only semi-depressing thing about that is that it is one day closer to next week and next week is a full 5-day work week. I'm already getting down about that. Hoping to make this a nice long-feeling weekend hanging out with the kids.

Ready For The Next Step

2012-01-03T21:16:00.004-07:00

Thus far, three days into it, 2012 is finding me restless as heck. (I said heck and not hell!) A coworker and I talked about it at lunch and I was trying to describe how I feel. He thinks I'm going through a midlife crisis.

Really?

Isn't a midlife crisis when I start dating 23 year olds and driving a sports car?

That can't be what this is.

Can it?

I need change. I need something different. I'm not bold enough to quit my job just yet. But I'm exploring other options within the company. I want to be transferred somewhere. I want to live in the country. I want a garden to grow vegetables. I want to own chickens. Yes.......chickens.

Maybe this is all some epiphany inspired by watching the movie "We Bought a Zoo", I don't know. I just don't feel right here anymore. I don't feel like I'm at home. I feel like I'm in transition to the next stage in my life.

I can't do anything drastic quite yet. I've got four kidlets that would be majorly impacted by this decision. Whatever it is I decide, I have to consider whether or not it's in their best interest.

I listened to a sermon today by Pastor Warren Womack. He talked about if you want things to change, you have to take action because whatever it is you seek is not going to just fall in your lap. I've been waiting for something to fall in my lap. That has not been a successful plan so far.

I'm not sure what action it is that I'm supposed to be taking right now. So, for now I'm keeping my eyes open for opportunities. While I'm in the process of seeking new opportunities, I will continue towards trying to get my Masters Degree.

I signed up for Executive Communications this semester. The next class that I was supposed to take was Managerial Finance, but the course description was as daunting as the name itself, so I skipped it. Maybe I'll save it for last. Blechhhh!

I'm not sure what new opportunity I'm looking for or whether it's career related, relationship related, hobby related...........I have no clue. I'm just praying that I don't miss it when it's presented to me.

There is something I'm supposed to be doing. I'm ready to learn what that is.

Bring it on 2012

2011-12-31T23:41:00.002-07:00

With less than 20 minutes left in 2011, I feel like I should have some fabulous, insightful, end of year post. Something that recalls all of the wonderful memories and lessons learned from 2011. But, fact is, my memory gets foggy on any events that occurred prior to yesterday.

Let's give it a try....................

Here are 21 memorable events from 2011:

1. I bought my Dyson vacuum in February 2011. I still love it and it still sucks. In a good way.
2. My oldest babies got their driving permits.
3. Sonny got married to Adele, then divorced. Then he got married again to Yvette, I think.
4. Breanna had a modeling gig for a dancewear magazine.
5. I got an iPhone and I love it more everyday!
6. Koby went through a phase where he insisted on sleeping with his shoes on.
7. I went back to school to start working towards my Masters degree. I completed 9 credit hours!
8. We had a fun family day at Elitch Gardens this past Summer.
9. My brother deployed and came home safely.
10. Tre broke each of his ankles. Not at the same time.
11. Sonny moved into my basement for a short time before he deployed.
12. I quit all of my meds cold turkey. All of the meds that I thought were holding me together, were actually tearing me apart. Now it's vitamins and exercise.
13. Attending the Women of Faith event in Denver was an awesome experience.
14. My relationship with my Dad was rocky.
15. I got to spend several days with the man. Just me and him.
16. Bre got her belly button pierced for her 16th birthday.
17. At the end of 2011, the kids got a YMCA family membership. We are really enjoying it.
**(Mom, stop reading here.........)**
18. In 2011 I had sex............. twice!
**(Okay, Mom. Continue reading)**
19. I started weight watchers and plan to continue going strong with it into 2012.
20. All year long, Jaydon continued to be my sweetheart and mama's boy. Everyday he grows to be more caring and compassionate. He rarely gave me even a second of a hard time.
21. The man sent me flowers at work, just because.

Movies I saw at the theater in 2011:

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
Hanna
Water for Elephants
Jumping the Broom
Battle Los Angeles
Bridesmaids
Super 8
Bad Teacher
Tranformers: Dark of the Moon
Larry Crowne
Friends with Benefits
Crazy Stupid Love
The Change Up
The Help
Straw Dogs
Footloose
Paranormal Activity 3
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
Tower Heist
The Muppets
We Bought a Zoo
The Darkest Hour

My favorites by far were The Help and Bridesmaids! I saw both of those with my Mom. Tower Heist is one of the most remembered because I went and saw it with the man when I went out to visit him.

Books I read in 2011:

The Help-Kathryn Stocket
Chosen- Chandra Hoffman
Organizational Leadership: A Christian Persective-Textbook for School
Soar With Your Strengths-Textbook for School
Type Talk at Work-Textbook for School
Organizational Behavior-Textbook for School
Marketing Management-Textbook for School
Creative Correction - Lisa Welchel
Redemption - Karen Kingsbury
Remember - Karen Kingsbury
Inside Seal Team Six - Don Mann

Not a very impressive list from someone that loves to read. My Bible was read, but I want to do much more of that in the coming year. I have a secret. I've NEVER read a Harry Potter book or seen any of the movies. I don't like seeing a movie until I've read the book. I have put off reading this series for years. 2012 is the year I will finally start and finish it. I bought the first 3 books yesterday. I'm not a big fantasy reader. But so many people have told me that I will be hooked once I start. We'll see.

That is my year in review. I guess I remembered more than I thought I would. Still, I have no clever insights to share about my experiences. 2011 gave me further life experience for me to draw on for future events.

I'm not going to set myself up for failure in 2012 by setting unattainable resolutions. I hope to continue to learn and grow and become healthier and more active. I hope to be less selfish. I hope to create good memories for my kids. I REALLY hope I can have sex more than twice in 2012.

That's about it.
I wish everyone peace and prosperity in the coming year.
Thanks for hanging in there with me in 2011.

He Rocks!

2011-12-30T19:33:00.002-07:00

I'm a happy girl today. Look what the man sent me at work today. Gawd I miss him soooo much!

It's All About Them!

2011-12-29T20:44:00.004-07:00

Today when I was at work, the kids went out to the park to take family photo's with my Dad and Aunt Alexis.

My SIL took this photo of my kidlets. I love it soooo much. My babies! I can't wait to put in on my desk.

Happy Birthday Jesus 2011

2011-12-25T21:41:00.011-07:00

It has been a busy couple of days. Finally, lots of downtime today. The kids and I spent the night at my parents Christmas Eve. Koby left a note at home so that Santa could find us. And boy did he!

Breanna was thrilled with the items Santa brought her. She got a couple of nice jackets, belts, clothes, her zebra pillow pet, makeup, hair things, and her new laptop.Tre got a huge nerf gun, Nike Hyperfuse shoes for basketball, ASO ankle braces for basketball, a couple of Air Jordan short sets, a Denver Nuggets Jersey and he got a laptop as well.Koby and JJ each got football helmets, shoulder pads for football, BMX bicycles, video games for the X-box, transformer robots, an ATM piggy bank, Tim Tebow football jerseys, board games, books, Chia pets, a remote control helicopter, magic rocks, Denver Nuggets basketball jerseys, footballs, legos, a guitar, a small pool table and clothes. They kept those shoulder pads on ALL day. I had to MAKE them take them off to go the bed this evening.As a family Santa left us a ping pong table and signed us up for a family membership at the YMCA.

Tre and I had our Y membership pics taken on Friday and got a tour of the facility. We stopped by to get him a membership so he can shoot around in the gym and play pick up games to help get his basketball legs back after being in a cast for the past 6 weeks. But when I saw everything they offered, I went ahead and got a family membership. It's a nice facility. I also went ahead and signed Koby and JJ up for the Winter basketball league.

My hope for 2012 is to spend time as a family doing healthy activities. Tre and the boys can shoot around in the gym. I can workout or take some classes. We can swim year round. The boys are excited about that part. One of the pools has a slide. Bre can join us when she is not busy dancing. We can chill in the sauna. The little guys have access to the entire facility except the free-weight room. We are going to try it out tomorrow as a family. Tre spent all of Friday afternoon there playing pick up games. He was exhausted by the time I picked him up.

Friday night the kids and I got some hot chocolate and rode around looking at Christmas lights. We sang horribly off key to Christmas tunes on the radio. We saw some incredible light displays. We got stuck on an icy hill and I made the four of them get out and push us until my tires had adequate traction. To hear them tell the story I tried to kill them and we all almost died. We ended the evening at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Perfect evening.

Today I took a nap on my parents couch after all of the Santa gifts were opened. The kids spent the afternoon sledding. We had quite a bit of snow last week. There is still about 9" to a foot left on the ground. So, even though today was beautiful and sunny, in a sense we still had a white Christmas. It was a nice, lazy afternoon. Below you will see a pic of JJ playing his guitar for an attentive audience of Transformers.Did I mention the kids and I got my Dad the infamous "Christmas Story Leg Lamp"?

Bre and Tre will stop and do the "Tebow" at any given opportunity if an audience is present.

This evening, the kids and I went to see a movie. It was a great way to end Christmas weekend. I love it that my two sixteen year olds still like doing stuff like that as a family. I'm sure those kinda days are numbered. I'm going to enjoy them while I can.

I gotta give Sonny credit. He helped make this a big Christmas for the kids. He gets all nice and sentimental when he is deployed. No complaints. I'll take it.

But the bestest part was being with my family. I love my kids so much. I'm so blessed. They are my favorite people in the world. I want to freeze time and keep them this way forever.

Money Worries? No Longer!

2011-12-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

Koby just popped into my room to inform me that when he is in the NFL, I will never have to worry about money again. "Mom, I'll be making at least six thousand per season!"

I'm thinking he may be planning to work in the concession stand.

It's Beginning to Feel Alot Like Christmas

2011-12-17T17:49:00.003-07:00

I hate malls! Hate. Hate. Hate. But, I had to knock out some shopping this evening so I decided to grin and bear it. I was determined to put on my best holiday attitude and make this a pleasant experience. I didn't even try to find a decent parking space. There were none. I parked way in the back of the farthest parking lot encouraging myself by thinking about how much good the extra walking would do me. I began by casually strolling along and taking in the mall scents........Cinnabon, Mrs Fields, the wonderful odors coming from Bath and Bodyworks. Okay, I can do this. I was almost smiling.

I wasn't in the door 5 minutes before all hopes of being nice were gone. Then I got pissed at myself because I'm notorious for preaching about how annoyed I am at the materialistic direction the Christmas season has gone in and how it brings out the worst in people. But SERIOUSLY, ughh! I went from being giddy to Grinch in about 1.3 seconds.

I admire and purposely have extra patience for the folks in retail. I could not do their job in a million years, having to deal with people like they do. Well, I guess I do have a job where I deal with people...........but I don't have to see them face to face and I can make faces at them on the other end of the phone when they piss me off. Those poor retail clerks. People are just effing rude! Get over yourselves!

AND..........when you are standing in line to pay.........say, at Dicks Sporting Goods, and the line is really long and SOME people have patiently been waiting their turn for 20 minutes while holding two football helmets, two pairs of football shoulder pads, a football, a big box containing a size 14 pair of Nike Hyperfuse basketball shoes and her purse................and the clerk at Dick's opens up a second checkout line while announcing, "I'll help the next in line please"....................this does NOT mean YOU who just got in the line with your yoga pants and water bottle. It means the NEXT person in line. The person that just dropped all her shit on the floor and gave you a death glare. Gaaaahhhhh!

I purposely plan my mall walking route to avoid little booth with the hand creme nazi's. But they got wise and moved their booth recently. I was assaulted with the "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?" before I could turn around and run the other direction. You try not to make eye contact as you pass their booth. Maybe they'll think you don't speak English. But NO. They will get up in your face and before you know it you've got this gritty hand creme shit in your free hand while balancing your purse and two large bags from Dicks Sporting Goods in your other hand. Gaaahhhh!

I'm feeling weary at this point. I realized it was probably best for me to go ahead and get on out of there. Then I remembered I parked in Egypt. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I'm not proud of my poor attitude or my lack of patience with mankind. I just don't think I was meant to mingle with society as a whole. I'm physically and mentally exhausted right now.

I can only sit here for a moment to rest because Bo has a grooming appointment tonight at 7. I can deal with PetSmart. I'll take a store full of 4-legged creatures running around in it, over the mall, any day!

Another Week Comes to an End

2011-12-16T18:39:00.002-07:00

Just spent a grueling hour and a half at Walmart. The first 45 minutes standing in line to get my Christmas layaway out. I kept it in until the last possible day for pickup because I have snoopy kiddo's. So now everything is in my trunk until I can find a place for it. Possibly my parents house.

The second half of my time was spent stocking up on the food supply since the kids are out of school now for the holidays. I still have to work but they will be home and they will be convinced they are starving. So I got the staples to at least get them through the coming week. I'm pretty sure the cupboards will start looking sparse in as soon as 3 days. These kids can eat!

Sonny finally figured out how to use his Facebook account. The kids set it up for him a year or so ago, he just never used it. Suddenly, now that he is deployed, he has figured it out. So, now I have to be nice and watch what I say. I'll save the Sonny-bashing for my blog. I don't think he comes on here anymore. ;) I need the outlet. I don't want to have to get back on the meds!

Walmart wore me out. I'm in chill mode for the rest of the night. I've got some things rattling around in my head that I need to figure out and come to peace with. So, I'm going to put on my pj's, turn on some music and relaxxxxx.

Halfway Thru December

2011-12-15T20:22:00.005-07:00

As of my first weigh in yesterday, I'm down 4.8 pound! I needed that motivation because there was a potluck at work today. I had a serving a pulled pork, salad and a serving of scalloped potatoes. I didn't even let myself look at any of the other yummies on the table. Then for dessert I ate the filling only out of a strawberry rhubarb pie. It was hard to overlook the cheesecakes and cookies and pastries on the dessert table. But once I ate my meal and had my sweet dessert, I was good to go.

The kids wanted Wendy's for dinner. I had enough points to order a large chili. I'm very proud of myself today, and for the first week. Hopefully I can keep up the momentum.

The boys and I rode around this evening looking at Christmas lights. This house was our favorite by far. It had a show that lasted three songs. (You tune your radio into FM 101.9 to hear the music). The show was amazing. There was a singing grinch, Santa sang "Grease Lightning", there were saxaphone-playing reindeer. It was amazing. The show took up 3 houses that were all side by side. We sat there for about 20 minutes enjoying the display. I can't even imagine their electric bill.

Man, Christmas is sneaking up fast! I still have shopping to do. Time has become an issue. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I still need to shop for my Mom and Dad and pick up a few other odds and ends for the kids.

Tre finally got his cast off. The trainer is doing physical therapy with him in hopes of having him game-ready right after the holidays. Tre is so ready to play he can hardly stand it.

Bre is still gearing up for competition. Some of their numbers are coming along nicely. The others.....not so much. But somehow, they always pull it together by the time it's time to go on stage. The first competition is the first weekend in February up in Denver.

Koby is excited because tomorrow is Pajama Day at school. His class is going to drink hot cocoa and watch "The Polar Express".

Jaydon is looking forward to his teacher cooking the class breakfast in the classroom tomorrow. Coffee cake and bacon. Yummm!

Me...........well I'm hanging in there despite some small emotional challenges. I'm doing a better job of keeping things in perspective than I normally would. Bottom line, I'm not sweating the small shit. Truly, most of it is just that.......small shit. I shouldn't cuss because my motivation is coming from scripture. I'm pretty sure there is no passage in the bible talking about not sweating the small shit. Well, at least not in those words. But the jist of it is the same. Maybe that's what I should work on for 2012....no cussing. No doubt. I'm looking forward to spending the holidays with my kids and parents. Then I'm looking forward to starting a new year. Simple stuff....ya know?

Charles Barkley Teams up With Weight Watchers

2011-12-13T12:09:00.002-07:00

by Lynn Hoppes

Basketball Hall of Famer Charles Barkley has gained 100 pounds since retiring from the NBA in 2000.

"Things have gotten out of hand," said Barkley, who is a studio analyst for Turner Network Television's NBA coverage. "I've always joked and complained about my home state of Alabama of being fat. Well, I forgot that I was fat."

Stan Badz/PGA TOURCharles Barkley ballooned up to 350 pounds and is now working on slimming back down.

So Barkley, on Tuesday morning, will be announced as the ambassador for the new Weight Watchers for Men campain. He will appear in print, broadcast and online marketing beginning Dec. 25 as part of the new "Lose Like a Man" program.

Barkley, who started the program about two months ago, has lost 26 pounds already and is committed to losing a lot of weight.

"I don't think it's realistic to get back to my playing weight of 250 pounds," said the 48-year-old Barkley, who was nicknamed "Round Mound of Rebound" while playing at Auburn before 16 years in the NBA. "I just need to get healthier and hopefully help others get healthier. That's my real goal."

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 72.3 percent of U.S. men and 64.1 percent of women are overweight or obese. Men often are overlooked by the weight loss industry, so Weight Watchers made a commitment to help men.

In the "Lose Like a Man" campaign, Barkley provides commentary on topics including the "man food" he is never deprived of, reasons why guys don't diet, dieting on your own and being a role model.

"You can't give fat people small meals and think they'll stick to the plan," said Barkley, who has thrown in some exercise to complement the diet. "I had to learn how to change my eating habits. Let's be real: You see anyone who gets fat eating fruits and vegetables? So I'm starting to eat more of them now!"

I'm Feeling More Rational Today

2011-12-13T08:10:00.003-07:00

Well, I came into the office this morning to an email waiting for me from my landlord, "Kristin, I have reviewed my end of year bank statement and see that you did pay November rent. However, I still have not received december's. Please submit this immediately. "

I responded to him thanking him for checking his records. I uploaded proof that I had put a stop payment on the first Dec rent payment that I had sent him because he did not receive it and gave him the confirmation number showing my bank sent out a second check on Friday which should be delivered tomorrow. Hopefully it's settled now.

I'm still unnerved by it all because, well damn....I was threatened with eviction.

I've been listening to the teachings of Pastor Andrew Womack. Specifically his lesson series on the "Christian First aid Kit." I listened to three of his sermons while sitting in the car waiting for Bre while she was at dance. It put things in perspective and gave me a different outlook. My landlord problems are less than miniscule in the big picture. I'm notorious for reacting on emotion rather than reacting by faith. I'm gonna work on this.

Seriously?

2011-12-12T13:43:00.004-07:00

I'm totally stressing right now! I have been threatened with eviction! I got a nasty email from my landlord advising that I have not paid rent since October. I immediately freaked out and pulled up my bank records. I gave him the date that my November payment cleared my bank. The December payment has not processed but since I have my bank automatically generate a check for my rent each month, I have proof that I did send December's payment. I thought that was simple enough to take care of.

But, I should have known better. His response was adamant that I still owe him for Nov and Dec and all applicable late fees.

So I responded to him with an attachment of my Nov bank statement and the confirmation number showing my bank issued a payment for Dec that had not yet been cashed. I told him I can request a stop payment on the Dec check and resend it.

He has not yet responded.

I'm so pissed and stressed right now. This is the last thing I want to be dealing with right now. I'm assuming he had me mixed up with one of his other tenants. But I have documentation to support my side. His email got me all worked up. I'm livid right now.
=================================
Later on.............

I have calmed down since my earlier post but he still has not responded to the last email I sent him with the proofs of payment. I've gone from livid to slightly irked. It is what it is. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. I have NEVER just not paid my rent. WTH? This is the house my kids live in. This is what I go to work everyday to pay for. A home for my family. Grrrrr. I think what irked me the most is his assumption that I just had not paid it. I've lived here for six years and have always paid timely and suddenly it seems normal for me to have developed a non pay pattern? Shouldn't he have asked first, "Uh Kristin, my records don't reflect a payment for November or December, would you mind checking your books to see if there is a problem?" No, he jumps to the conclusion that I'm a dead beat loser and threatens me with an eviction. I'm getting myself riled up again, I need to go to bed. Looking forward to a new beginning tomorrow and I plan on being a much more pleasant individual.

Turning Page

2011-12-09T23:58:00.002-07:00

I've waited a hundred years.
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being yours would do.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,
or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what I was living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Your love is my turning page,
where only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line,
every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who I've been for who you are,
for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours,
well, I would have known what I've been living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
when i saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees

Day 2 Success Despite Temptation

2011-12-08T21:20:00.003-07:00

Day 2 of Weight Watchers and I had my first big challenge. Our cafeteria at work had our employee holiday luncheon. All of my favorite comfort foods were served. Turkey, dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes, rolls, and apple pie.

I viewed the menu prior to going downstairs and calculated my points. I stayed with what I had planned to get and only had them put turkey, a half scoop of mashed potatoes with a couple of teaspoons of gravy, a healthy serving of grean beans on my my plate. To top it off, I DID get an apple pie. However, I removed the crust and only ate the yummy apple pie filling. I got to enjoy my work holiday feast and it only cost me 10 points for the entire lunch plus dessert! I was very proud of myself...........and, I was full!

I had plenty of points left over for an afternoon snack of Baked Goldfish crackers and canteloupe then later, a satisfying dinner with a small dessert. I did not suffer at all today. In fact, I still have 5 points left over this evening. I will try to more accurately spread them out during the day from now on so that I use all of them like I'm supposed to.

I hung out up at the dance studio this evening. I watched Bre work with the class that she apprentices. She loves working with those little girls so much. I got such joy out of watching her this evening. I stuck around to watch her dance in her other classes for the evening. The teacher worked them hard tonight. I don't know how those kids do it.

Tre is super excited to get his cast off next week. He wants to get back on the basketball court so bad that he's about to lose his mind. I'll be glad when he can finally get some soap and water on that nasty smelling foot!

My Mom is in Texas this week visiting my grandmother for her 90th birthday. I am so jealous. I miss my Texas kin folk. I also miss my Mom when she is gone! My Dad and I are juggling the kids schedule and all of the transportation that is involved. I've got four very busy kids, it's logistical nightmare. Both my Dad and I count down the days, minutes and hours until my Mom returns, each time she leaves town.

I'm so tired this evening. I really had nothing to blog about except to crow about my successful day on Weight Watchers. This is only day 2, but I know how I am and I've GOT to stay motivated. If I talk about it to you guys on here, then I have to be held accountable for the results of both my failures and successes. Besides, in all that I have read in preparation for this journey to better health and weight loss, journaling is supposed to be an effective tool. So, journaling I will do. Only I'll do it on here. Publicly. Where you guys can kick me in the pants if I need it. Well, not if but when I need it.

My goals this month are miniature. The hard core exercise regimen will begin after the first of the year once I have the routine of this points thing burned in my brain. In the meantime my goals are small, such as remembering to track my food intake no matter what, getting all of my daily water requirements in, remembering to take my vitamins daily and making smart choices over the holidays regarding what I decide to eat.

Many people have asked me why I didn't decide to wait until the first of the year to start my brand new beginning. I chose to start in the middle of the month and during a day that falls in the middle of the week. I want to start seeing at least minor results by the first of the year. That will motivate me to keep on plugging along in 2012 I'm hoping.

I have not told my family I'm doing this. One of the big rewards I look forward to is for the first comment from my family who sees me everyday regarding my noticeable weight loss. That is one thing that is so wonderful about the Weight Watchers plan. I can eat what they are eating as long as I'm tracking my points and staying within those limits. My kids have no clue that I'm doing this and WW makes it easy to keep it that way. Although I'm sure Koby was suspicious last night when he offered me half of his Tequito that he could not finish and I declined. My points were used up for the day and I'm too greedy to spend my weekly overage points. I'm saving those up for something good.

So, there ya have it.

And with that, I'm taking myself to bed.

Content

2011-12-07T21:15:00.005-07:00

I know I complain about how stressful my job is a lot! However, at this time of the year, I'm so proud and grateful to work for the company that I work for. It's time for our annual holiday bonus. My employer is more than generous when it comes to a holiday bonus. They don't give out turkey's or hams or $25 grocery store gift certificates. Nope, nothing like that. They give us a monetary holiday bonus equivalent to two weeks worth of pay! So that means tomorrow, which is our payday, my check will be doubled from it's normal amount.

Nice!

This will allow me to get the kids Christmas stuff off of layaway, pay the bills off for the remainder of the month and have plenty left over. Such an anxiety reliever! I'm a happy girl!

Today is a big day because I started Weight Watchers. I did it several years ago and successfully shed what I wanted to. Time to do it again. The pounds started trying to sneak up on me after I quit smoking and drinking (drinking on a regular basis) about a year and a half ago. I think all the meds I was on were also a contributing factor. Now that my body is clean of all of that crap, I'm ready to get it back into shape. Time for portion control and gym time! Oh yeah, and tons and tons of water. I think I took 5 potty breaks in the 8 hours I was at work today.

I'm not doing the meetings this time. My schedule is too nuts to commit to meetings. I'm doing it online. We'll see how it works out. The program has changed since I was last on it. It will take some getting used to. My weekly weigh-ins will be on Wednesdays. Once I start to see results, I will keep you updated. Everyone at work is so supportive. I love my work friends!

As you can see from my last post I just recently took a trip. Yes, it was wonderful. I got to see the man, my bestest friend in the whole world. We finally got to spend some time together and just chill. We ate some great food. He made me laugh. He didn't blink twice about the drastic change in my appearance.

I was trying to explain to him that just being around him makes me want to be a better me. He keeps me motivated about school. He inspires me to want to be a better Mom and more patient with the kiddo's. He keeps me grounded. I like the person I am when I am with him and I want to even be better.

His friendship and support are not based on conditions. He gives them to me freely and unconditionally. When my insecurities sneak up on me, I try to sabotage that. Almost as if I'm testing his friendship. But he sees that coming from a mile away and just tells me to "stop that". Our friendship is so easy. Probably more so for me than him. I'm a lot to deal with. I feel safe with him. I totally cannot properly explain what I mean by that. It's just a very safe, content feeling. Even if we are doing nothing, just being around him makes everything okay.

When he gives me forehead kisses I completely melt down. Seriously, ladies? What is better than a forehead kiss? A sweet sign of affection with no sexual intent. It is one of my favorite kinds of kisses and in a way is more intimate than a kiss kiss.

Leaving him was hard. Very hard. The break away from here was nice and I do feel rejuvenated and refreshed. I can handle what I need to handle now with a clearer head. Now I'm going to throw myself into work, the kids, Weight Watchers, the holidays, school, the upcoming dance season and whatever else comes my way with 100% effort.

...all the while counting down the days until I see him again.

Random Thoughts While Killing Time in an Airport

2011-12-05T08:01:00.007-07:00

I guess surviving a day of fighting your way through various airports across the country can be

stressful for most people. I really try to put on my patience hat and find the positive in the situation. There is something kinda cool about the anonymity of people watching in such a hustle bustle type place. It's fascinating. As I sit here with countless others in limbo between two destinations I get the best possible opportunity to immerse myself in people watching.

They say everyone has a story. How many amazing people with amazing stories are passing in front of me right now? Where have they been? Where are they going? What are they thinking about? Is anyone wondering the same about me? Watching the families that travel with kids is a blast. I love it. My mind is entertained for hours with this pastime.

Another opportunity that comes with hanging out all day in airports is catching up on my reading. Today I'm finally able to work my way through the Karen Kingsbury book I started a month ago. Curled up in a chair with one foot propped up on my carry-on and a cup of airport hot chocolate .......ahhhh ........bliss!

And let's be honest, the moving sidewalks are cool as shit! Talk about getting a superhero complex! Walking along, at what feels like warp speed, the breeze blowing my hair back......watching the mere mortals that are walking on the regular ground as I float past them. I get giddy just thinking about it. Even that second of nervous anticipation I get as the moving sidewalk comes to an abrupt end and I wonder if my land legs will hold up on stationary flooring.

The train between terminals is fun too. Especially of you're in the very front car and can watch the tunnels as you speed through them. Standing up as I try to keep my balance while the train speeds along the track lets me imagine what it might be like to surf. Well, maybe not exactly, but kinda.

The Skymall magazine is always a big treat to read once settled into my airplane seat. Albeit expensive as hell, its got such cool stuff in it.

Y'all may be aware of my phobia of public restrooms. In an airport I can enjoy use of the bathroom facilities while ALMOST not having to touch a single germy item. Auto flush, auto soap, auto water faucet and no door handles. It's great.

It's still early in the day right now as I spout off my airport musings. In another couple of hours exhaustion may start to cloud my optimistic morning outlook.

If anything entertaining happens, I'll update . Otherwise keep me in your prayers .

30 Days of Thankful

2011-11-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

For the month of November, I set out to give thanks for something every day. I posted them on Facebook daily as the month progressed, however, I wanted to transfer them to my blog for a 'reminder at a glance' of how blessed I am.

Day 1: My babies of course.... Breanna, Tre, Koby and Jaydon. How I got this blessed, I will never know. They make me smile and laugh everyday. My heart overflows with love for these guys. Thankful is such an immense understatement........but I am most thankful for being blessed by being their Mommy!

Day 2: As hard as it was too get out of bed on a cold, snowy morning I'm thankful that I have a good job to go to with a wonderful employer thereby allowing me to support my kiddo's and provide a comfortable home for them to grow up in.

Day 3: I'm so thankful for my parents and being blessed to live so close to them. I could not do this alone, that's for sure. They are so involved in the kids lives and it's wonderful having assistance with all of the transportation needs they require.

Day 4: Today I was especially thankful for a hot shower on a chilly morning. It is such a great way to start the day.

Day 5: I'm thankful for Saturday mornings when I can just relax after a challenging week at work.

Day 6: Sooooo thankful for Blue Bell Cookies and Cream Ice Cream! Yummmm

Day 7: After not having quite recovered from a tough week last week, I was ever so thankful for that extra hour of sleep this morning.

Day 8: today I'm thankful for each new day and being able to start anew. After a challenging day yesterday, this morning I woke up fresh and feeling positive. It is in my control to keep this going all day.

Day 9 - I'm thankful that Tre only has two feet. He broke his left foot playing basketball this past summer and he broke his right foot playing basketball last night. No more feet left to break, right?

Day 10: I'm thankful for getting a trim and fresh highlights in my hair for the first time in 7 months. Jody is awesome.

Day 11: So thankful and proud of my family and friends that are serving or have served in our armed forces. Gregg Drury Johnny Drury, Todd Legg, Gretchen Woods, Jon DuFriend, Johnny Zercher, Teryn D. Zech

Day 12: Today I'm thankful for Tre's sake. His coaches have enough faith in his ability to allow him a spot on the basketball team, broken foot and all. He's looking forward to a chance to play the 2nd half of the season depending on how things go with his recovery.

Day 13: Today I'm thankful for my best friend in the whole world. I'm not sure why he puts up with me but I'm thankful that he does. He always knows just what to say to calm me down when I'm in freak-out mode. I miss him every single day and I don't know what I would do without our friendship.

Day 14: I'm always thankful for my kids but today, on their 16th birthday, I'm especially thankful that I was chosen to be Breanna and Tre's mom and that they are a part of my life. I'm so blessed.

Day 15: I'm so thankful for having such wonderful co-workers. They are so smart and so helpful and just plain good folks!

Day 16: Today I'm thankful for a nice and FREE lunch away from the office with my unit at Biaggi's!

Day 17: although I'm not particularly excited about having my sleep interrupted, I'm thankful that my daughter chooses me to be her buddy at the midnight Breaking Dawn premiere tonight.

Day 18: I'm thankful for the change of seasons. Especially here in Colorado, it is so beautiful.

Day 19 :I'm thankful for growing older. Not everyone gets this opportunity. Aging with health and grace is a rare and beautiful gift.

Day 20: I'm thankful that I've been able to live so many places, see so many interesting things and meet so many new people in my life. I've lived in many cities in my favorite state of Texas, as well as Illinois, California, North Carolina, Guam, Colorado and Hawaii. I hope there are many more places that I will see in my lifetime.

Day 21: Today I'm thankful for my memories........"The gift of longer life has usually been accompanied by the loss of memories, but we’ll be luckier than our grandparents. Besides the new memory-improvement drugs being developed, we’ve got digital photos and videos and e-mails to recall our best personal moments and the Web to instantly help us remember who sang that song or which year the blizzard hit. In the past, only nobles could hire scribes to write their histories and artists to depict their deeds. Today, we all have records of our lives to pass on to our descendants, to comfort us as we age, and to remind us, every now and then, to count our blessings."

Day 22: Today, at this very moment, I'm so thankful for Sweet Iced Tea! That's probably why I'm on my second glass in the 10 minutes that I've been home from work. Ahhhhhh!

Day 23: Today I'm especially thankful for the patience God has given me. It was exercised and tested to the nth degree at WalMart on Thanksgiving Eve.

Day 24: Thankful to be able to spend this day with the people that mean the most to me.

Day 25: Thankful for a front row parking place and a short check out line at WalMart today when I just had to run in for a few grocery items on the dreaded Black Friday.

Day 26: Thankful for the unconditional love from my puppy dog, Bo-zilla. Each time I walk in the front door, he acts like it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. I love feeling the warmth of him cuddled up next to my feet at night. He is so easy to please and just loves me no matter what.

Day 27: Today I'm thankful for the rare weekends such as this one where we had nothing planned and nowhere we had to be. I was a complete vegetable and enjoyed murder movies on Lifetime Movie Network's "Dial LMN for Murder Movie Marathon." I feel more refreshed and relaxed ready to take on this week than I have been in a long time!

Day 28: I'm extremely thankful for the few people in my life that know all of my quirks, but love me and support me all the same.

Day 29: I’m grateful for finally realizing, after some difficult years, that I can choose to feel whole all by myself without having to feel that I need another person there to "complete me".

Day 30: 30 days is not nearly enough to express all that I am thankful for. On this final day, I would like to express thanks for my life as a whole. That includes everyone who had ever been a part of my life, no matter how big or small a part. Thankful for all those that I will cross paths with in the future. Thankful for all the life lessons I have learned and those yet to come. These people and experiences have made me who I am. Most thankful for the heavenly father that makes it all possible.

Stress Buster

2011-11-20T20:32:00.004-07:00

I worked overtime yesterday and today. I left the office about 4:00 this afternoon and headed to Walmart to get some stuff for dinner.

I was not in a good mood. Just being at Walmart wasn't helping the situation. I just needed a few things, the store was packed. Of course there were people pushing their baskets side by side in the same direction in the same aisle. Yet they give you the stink eye when you are headed toward them in the opposite direction as if you were doing something wrong because they had to move their basket over to form a single file formation.

Then there were the people that politely pull their basket over to the right of the aisle to park it while they stand off to the left, looking for something on the shelf on the left side. There is no way to get around that. And of course they ignore you as you clear your throat in in the most obvious way possible to let them know you are coming. Some even ignore your half-hearted "excuse me's" as you try to slip past.

Then there are the people that suddenly remember something that they have already passed and they whip their basket around without checking their rear view mirror, nearly knocking you down.

My favorites are the ones that decide to park their basket in front of the canned corn while they decide to have a conversation on their cell phone. Of course, it is at that time you are needing to get to the canned corn.

So I was all irritated by the time I got to the check out. 23 registers and just 7 of them were open. Each one at least half a dozen baskets deep.

I pick the one with the most promise and settle in with a copy of People Magazine. In front of me is a lady with her two sons. They appeared to be about seven and four years old. The boys were entertaining themselves with the toy and gadget display right before the register. The older boy found one of those lucky eight balls filled with water that have the display window where the little dice pops up with your fortune or whatever.

The older boy looks at it then starts shaking it with his eyes shut tight as he asks the magic ball a question in a sing songy voice, "Will I be good for Christmas?" He stops shaking the ball and waits for the answer to appear in the window. He and his little brother lean over to look at the response. The older boy reads it in an excited voice, "No doubt! Mommy it says no doubt that I will be good for Christmas!"

The mom is busily trying to get the groceries on the belt. Next the younger boy grabs the ball so that he can get his question answered. He shakes it up hard as he imitates his older brothers sing songy voice, "Am I....be good....for twistmas?" He stops shaking it and waits for the answer to appear. When it does appear, I guess he remembers that he can't read so he hands it to his older, wiser brother for interpretation. Big mistake.

The older brother looks at it and squints his eyes and acts like he is reading, "Santa is not coming to visit you this year. Sorry!"

The younger brother's eyes got all big. He threw the eightball on the floor and he let out a howl that could be heard throughout the entire store. The older brother looks away innocently as the Mom is trying to calm the little one down and continue to load her groceries on the belt. She had no clue what was going on as he was sobbing and babbling about being a good boy.

That made my night. That poor little traumatized boy. He'll probably have nightmares tonight. The older brother instantly had a halo over his head as he helps him mom load the belt and shakes his head at his brother's outburst. It was so cute. I love kids. I had a grin, on the verge of a giggle all the way out to the parking lot. That made the whole, stressful trip worth it. But my stress was nothing compared to that poor little boy that is worried Santa is not going to come visit him.

Sweet 16

2011-11-13T18:47:00.007-07:00

I've probably told this story before on my blog, but this time of year comes around and I remember it like it was yesterday!

At this exact moment 16 years ago I was about as pregnant as I could possibly be with twins, I was sitting out on the stairs of my deck in New Braunfels, TX watching Sonny play football in the street with some neighborhood kids. We were waiting for his clothes to finish drying at the coin laundry next door. I get up to go get some more iced tea when to my horror I saw a HUGE wet puddle right where I had been sitting. After realizing that I actually had not peed myself, which was not so uncommon at that time, it was apparent my water had broke.

In a surprisingly calm voice, I called out to Sonny to let him know it was time to go. He looked at me and then looked over at the coin laundry with a puzzled expression, "But my clothes haven't been dried yet. They'll get mildewy if I don't dry them first." So there I sit in the passenger side of his car with a towel underneath me while we wait for his clothes to dry in the parking lot of the coin laundry. He was telling everyone in the laundry that his twins were on the way. I think they were the ones that finally convinced him to forget about his laundry and get me to the hospital.

A few hours later, in the early morning hours of November 14th, 1995 I met Breanna and Tre for the first time. ♥

The first few days, the nurses kept them in the same bassinet because it was the only way to sooth them when they were upset.

Happy 16th birthday my babies! I love you both with every ounce of my being.

Update

2011-11-12T19:04:00.005-07:00

Dang, it's been a minute since I've been on here, huh? I can't believe I did not post my Mom's Halloween costume the last time I was on. Ya, gotta see this. I love my Mom!

I'm just glad she and Tre did not get pulled over on the way to the Halloween party. I told my Dad that HE can be the one to go post bail. lol

In other news. Bre's hip hop team got an intense 2-day workout with choreographer Mr. Chris when he came to town last week. He had two days to teach them a competition routine. They now have until February to perfect it. This is unusual because they typically have 6-7 months to learn and perfect a routine. This routine is tight though. It's incredibly hard. I look forward to seeing them kill it on stage. Mr Chris let the parents come in for the last 15 minutes of the last day to watch.
And finally, Tre broke his other foot last week. The day before basketball tryouts. He was crushed. I'm so thankful to the coach for looking past the foot and recognizing his ability and giving him a spot on the team anyway. This is huge because there are boys that were on the team last year that did not earn a spot this year. They are going to put Tre in a team manager position for the younger team until his foot heals. Then he can play when he's ready. I truly do not know why that kid is so fragile. I'm pretty sure it must have something to do with him growing so fast. I don't think his bones are held together properly. Guess I'll be pumping him full of vitamins from here on out.

Sonny deployed this past week. The kids are hanging in there. Koby and Jay took it pretty hard the night before he left. I'll just keep 'em super busy....as always. He'll be back before they know it. Shit.........before I know it.

Wednesday Evening Rambling

2011-11-02T22:36:00.006-06:00

I'm a tired mama this evening. Lots of things running through my head. One is that it just dawned on me that Bre and Tre will be sixteen in 12 days!

Surprisingly, they don't want a big sweet 16 bash. Tre is happy with the fact that he will be eligible to get his driver's license this year. He has to wait until he has had his learner's permit which means he will be getting his license in February or March time frame.

He is also dying to get a job. The mall is less than a mile from our house, so there are lots of opportunities for him. I would prefer he wait until after basketball season. He said his dream job would be to work at Foot Locker. He's convinced he has an "in" with one of the managers. I told him to start putting in applications at the beginning of the year. That way he may be able to secure something by the Summer. It's a dog eat dog world out there. He's in for a rough ride, but I appreciate his eagerness. Unless it's dance related, Bre has no interest in seeking employment.

Bre still prefers not to drive. She has gone through the classroom training and has 3 more on-the-road lessons to complete. She has kept pushing them back again and again since June. I told her we are not rescheduling anymore. She is set to take these last three lessons for the next three Fridays. She doesn't dance on Fridays so it's the best time. I don't care if she decides not to pursue her license anytime soon. But I want her to get the credit for this class that she took last March.

For her sixteenth birthday she wants her belly button pierced. A year or two ago I probably would have said, "No way in hell, not while your under my roof." But now, after much consideration and begging from Birdie, I think that sixteen is probably an appropriate age for something like that. I still won't allow the tattoos, but thank goodness she hasn't set her sites on that one yet. Besides, most of us don't keep that hard, toned, dancers body for the rest of our lives. If she wants to show off her abs with some bling, so be it. Gawd knows I WOULD if I COULD !

Other than those "coming of age" privileges, that's about the only thing they want. Both agreed that 18 and 21 are bigger milestones and are more worthy of an out of this world celebration. I can totally get on board with that.

Sonny deploys next week. We had a disagreement last night. I could not be prouder of how I handled it. I won't even bore you with all of the details. But in summary, he was pissed that the laundry room was backed up 4 baskets deep, sitting in front of the washer. It was 9pm at night and I had only been home for an hour after working two hours of overtime, picking up Tre from basketball practice, going to WalMart and making dinner. I was so not thinking about laundry. As long as we all had clean clothes for the next day, I am not going to stress about backed up laundry.

But he had to be Sonny. He had to make an issue out of it to the kids. Letting them know how lazy and unproductive I am. He did not use those words. He took subtle stabs at me, while explaining to them the importance of keeping up with their chores.

I was so friggin tired. Too tired to have an argument that we have had dozens of time in our married life. When he just would not stop, I went downstairs and said, "Sonny? You got something you need to say to me?" I said this in the lowest and quietest of voices, so as not to have this turn into a blowout in front of the kids.

He yells, "DAMN RIGHT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU! HAVE YOU SEEN THE LAUNDRY BACKED UP IN YOUR LAUNDRY ROOM AND THE DISHES IN THE SINK? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HOLD MY TONGUE BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT AND YOU COULD GIVE A SHIT. HOW HARD IS IT TO DO LAUNDRY AND PUT AWAY THE DINNER DISHES? YOU MAKE ME BE THE BAD GUY BY HAVING ME AS THE ONLY ONE THAT STAYS ON THEIR ASSES ABOUT GETTING THEIR CHORES DONE. "

Still in the lowest and quietest of voices I said, "Sonny, I think it's best if you pack up and leave tonight. You need to find another place to stay until you deploy." I then turned around and went back upstairs.

About 10 minutes later he knocks on my bedroom door. He starts trying to calmly explain his point of view. I had such a hard time keeping a straight face. He is so self-absorbed that it's scary. He is going on and on about how he is here only trying to help me by helping to get me and the kids organized.

In the same, low voice I said, "Oh, you're here to help us? My bad, I thought I was helping you by letting you live in my basement."

He chastises me for "going there". And he keeps rambling on and on. I'll give him credit for throwing in a few, "I know you are busy and have your hands full," and "I understand you work hard, long hours."

He must have taken the same How to Show Empathy Toward Your Customers class that I have to take every year.

But most of the conversation is where I'm lacking as a Mom. How I should be staying on top of these kids more. How I need to dole out more responsibility to the babies so that Bre and Tre don't have to pick up their slack. (I do agree with that point). The kicker was, "What kind of people do you think these kids are going to grow up to be like in this environment?"

Still calmly I reply, "What do you mean this environment? Oh, you mean the one where I sit for hours at night helping them with homework, making sure they are prepared for school the next day? Or is it the one where the only time I miss one of their sporting events is if it conflicts with one of their siblings events? Or is it the environment where if I'm not at home spending time with the kids it means the only other place I'm likely to be is at work? Oh, it must be the one where I try to keep them church-going on a regular basis while fitting in community service or the occasional mission trip. Which one of these things concerns you about what kind of people they turn out to be?"

He goes on about how I'm taking it the wrong way. He says he's not trying to accuse me as being unfit or the house to be unfit for the kids to live in. He just thinks we could be better organized.

The conversation ended when he offered to pay for a maid to come in every week or two to help me out with some of the little things such as catching me up on laundry, dusting, mopping, cleaning the microwave, cleaning out the stove.

At first I thought I should be totally offended, but after 3 seconds I really liked the idea. Now, the thing we all know about Sonny is that his gifts don't come with out a price. Allowing him to get me a maid would give him an upper hand and something else to take away from me when we have a disagreement about something. It would give him something to hold over my head. That part sucks. But an extra pair of hands around here would be heaven. It may be worth the little bit of grief I have to deal with from his royal highness.

He then asks if he still has to leave. He made some stupid comment about it's cool if I want him to go because he's got several females that he can go "pull up on" tonight. I advised him he could go back into his basement dungeon, but he needs to stop the stressful drama until he leaves next week. I gave in because Koby was in tears at the thought of his dad leaving.

As he's walking away he makes a statement using the mans real name, I could not understand exactly what he said but it was something to the effect,

"You tell the man that...{insert unintelligible sentence}.............then when he gets here he and I can go out for a beer or something"

Uh, yeah right. That'll never happen. The man wouldn't be able to stand 2 minutes in the same room.

Shit, this was supposed to be brief. Sorry.

I'm done.

Point of the story? Just one more week. I can do this.

Sniff....Sniff......Kleenex Needed

2011-10-28T21:11:00.002-06:00

A Military Member's Promise...........

I cannot promise you every night of my life.

I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, every hardship.

In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. I may miss the births of our children. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the... death of one of my friends..........

I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat and your tears and your heartache to keep together and try to take it back as I knew it before.

I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don’t know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me.

You will ask questions that I won’t answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need. I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be.

I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I will have to get to know our children over and over again. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else. It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you. You may lose me long before you ever thought possible.

I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off. I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away.

I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again.

I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise that to our children. I cannot promise you much of anything.

But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial I will be wanting to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. I will see the faces of our children in every life that I protect. And I will carry you with me in everything until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.

A Military Spouse's promise …

I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me.

I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week - most likely the week after you deploy.

I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me.

I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions.

I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me.

I cannot promise that there won’t be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it.

I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it.

I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.

But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise to teach our children to do the same. I will use every moment that you are not with them to show them the amazing man that you are through my actions and my pride. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door.

My Babies Are Getting Too Grown!

2011-10-22T16:44:00.003-06:00

These are the most recent pics of my babies. Time is flying by way to fast!

This is Tre and his bestie, Mikayla on a field trip to check out University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

This is Birdie on the same field trip.And JJ with his last season of flag football before he starts playing tackle with the big boys.

And his twin Koby, my blonde, blue-eyed odd ball.

Time needs to slow way down.

Nostalgia

2011-10-21T21:36:00.010-06:00

I had a glorious day off today!! I feel refreshed. I have to go in to the office to answer Emails tomorrow from 12-4, but I feel rejuvenated enough to handle it.

I started the morning off by meeting with "The Breakfast Club". It's basically a bunch of moms from the studio and our prior studio owner that meet on Friday mornings for breakfast about once a month. I never get to go because of work. My Mom always goes. In fact, next Friday they are going to visit the wine making monks at the Holy Cross Abbey Winery in Canon City. They do that trip two or three times a year. I have yet to be able to coordinate my schedule to make that trip. They always have good stories after one of their trips to the winery.

We sat at Gunther Toody's Diner this morning from 8:30 until 11:30, just talking and laughing. It was a good time. We officially have our own private Breakfast Club Facebook page now. About half of us that went today came to the decision that we are going to take a concealed weapon permit class. One of the dance dad's is a fireman, and he gives these classes. There's probably nothing scarier that a bunch of gun totin' dance moms.

I came home with the intention of cleaning house. But, I got home and it was sooooo nice a quiet. I had the house to myself. I got a sudden rush of freedom knowing that there was no homework that I really should be doing instead. I took advantage of this freedom and cuddled up with my puppy and took a nap. Heaven!

Then I Facetimed with the man on my 2nd favorite toy, my iPhone. Gawwwd I love that thing! It's almost like being there. Have a mentioned how excited I am to see him real soon? Even more so now. You have no idea! I'm so damn crazy about him. We were reflecting on our friendship way back in the day. He has recollections that I'm pretty sure didn't really occur, cuz there is no way that my memory is failing me. He's older than me so I'm pretty sure it must be senility kicking in on his part. There is no way I did some of the things he said I did. I remember it completely different. In my version, I'm much sweeter and nicer than in his version. I was so young and stupid back then. Maybe naive is a better word.

I remember all my times with him as good times. He took me on my first hunting trip. Well.........kinda. When I was a young kid, my Dad used to take us all on hunting/camping trips but when the men went out to hunt, the women and children stayed back at the camp. Primitive, right? The men would come home with the meal in the late afternoon. I remember we would cook it in the ground. I also remember one time he took my mom out on one of the big hunts and she somehow got surrounded by wild attack pigs. I don't think he took her out with him hunting again after that.

But, the man took me dove hunting back in the day. I was sooooo excited to get to go. He PROMISED me that it was protocol for me, being a first time hunter to run out and fetch the birds after he shot them. Kinda like an initiation before I could actually fire the weapon. I was so grossed out but I was not going to show it. I fetched those damn birds out of the brush like nobody's business. I was trying so hard to be one of the guys. I probably stood out like a sore thumb in my red Justin Roper cowboy boots that I loved so much back then. In retrospect, I don't think he ever really did let me fire the gun. Dammit.

One day we went to the golf driving range. My dad and brother would never take me golfing probably because of how much I like to talk. Evidently that is frowned upon in the game of golf. Whatever. But, the man took me to the driving range and taught me how to hold a golf club. I still remember how to do it to this day.

Then of course there was bowling. That was fun to. That was when I met his brother for the first time. My memory does kinda fail me here but I'm pretty sure I won the bowling game. Yeah, I'm almost positive of that.

I will always remember the night in the hot tub at my apartment complex in San Antonio. We must have just started hanging out at that point, if memory serves. It was a night when there was a meteor shower. It could have been a really romantic memory, but the way I remember it he sat clear across the hot tub from me. I was convinced he found me repulsive. I could not figure out why this dude was not making his move. It was late at night, no one else was around, there were falling stars all around us. I was ready to get freaky in the hot tub. I now kinda cringe thinking about doing that in a public hot tub. Ewwww. But we behaved that evening, much to my chagrin.

He took me to see Jurassic Park for the first time while it was out in the theaters. He had seen it before but I had not. He fell asleep during the movie. I do remember THAT.

He used to get me single roses, for no good reason. I think that must be why I'm still such a sucker for him.

Oh! And we would go sit out on the patio at Taco Cabana on those warm Texas evenings and drink margaritas!

When I finally did take advantage of him, he remembers me always jumping out of bed early the next morning and running to the bathroom to put in my contacts and do the hair and makeup before he could see me without. I don't remember doing that. I sure as hell don't do that now.

Oh, and my lasagna. Just about the only thing I knew how to make in my early twenties. I was cooking for him one night. I bought a store bought spaghetti sauce. It must have been some kind of vegetable garden variety because when he was eating my award winning lasagna, he stared down at his fork and squinted. "Baby, you put peas in your lasagna?" Oh hell no. I hated peas then and I hate them to this day. When he came to visit me a couple of years ago, I had my parents over for dinner and I made a lasagna. He was looking for those peas. He didn't forget about that one.

We did not part ways on bad terms. I lived and worked in San Antonio, and after his training was completed he had to go back to the base where he was from. We didn't have internet like we do nowadays. This was back in the olden days for sure. Keeping in touch was more difficult than it is now. We kinda drifted apart.

About a year later I met Sonny. Sonny was in training in San Antonio. I was so looking for what I had with the man, in him at first. Sonny really courted me hard in the beginning. I was pregnant within a few months of meeting him for the first time. Sonny charmed the pants off of me.......literally. When Sonny's training was over he got stationed to the same base as the man. Sonny would fly back and forth to visit me during my pregnancy and he was able to be there with me when I gave birth to Bre and Tre. Bre and Tre were born November of 1995. By January, I realized that being a single mom to infant twins was nearly impossible. My parents lived out of state. My aunt Libby was my savior and helped me out quite a bit.

Sonny finally asked me to move out to be with him. I'm pretty sure I forced his hand. Well, to hear him tell it I did. I would be lying if I said that knowing the man lived in the same town as Sonny was not a huge factor. I was still looking for what I had with the man in Sonny. I think at that point I knew Sonny was nothing like the man but I REALLY wanted him to be. I was naive enough to think I could change him. I had convinced myself that I loved Sonny and that he loved me.

The kids and I flew out there with my Moms help. We were a sight being all new to this twin thing, trying to get the three month old babies across the country in an airplane. When the kids and I got there, Sonny got us some temporary quarters for a week or so, so that we could look for a place to live. Sonny went to the field for a couple of days while we were in these temporary quarters.

One night I was sitting in the hotel and started wonder about the man. I called him and he came over. It was the first time I had seen him in about a year or two. I told myself it was to introduce him to my babies. I was so nervous. Back then Bre and Tre loved to sleep right up against each other. I had them laying side by side on a pillow when the man came over to meet them. It was kind of an awkward meeting but at the same time my stomach was doing flip flops just at seeing him. He visited for a few minutes and left.

I never told Sonny about that. I already knew how jealous and controlling Sonny was. I really had talked myself into trying to make it work with Sonny. I wanted to marry him. He was not close to even asking me. He loved to be at the club every night. Back then we didn't have cell phones. Sonny would come back early in the mornings after being out all night with a pocket full of phone numbers. I so wish I had been halfway intelligent back then. But I just knew that I was going to change him. In the meantime I spent many a long evenings sitting at home with the baby's wondering where he was.

Sonny and I finally found a trailer to rent. It was a pink trailer and had ugly purple carpet. I kid you not. But it was cheap and I was not working at that time. Once we got moved in, I called the man again. He came by one day on his lunch. I knew Sonny much better now and I knew he would flip out with another man being in his house. So, when the man came over, we just sat outside on our rickety deck and talked for a few minutes. Sonny NEVER came home midday. NEVER. But on this particular day, I'm sitting on the deck talking to the man and I see this red sports car driving up the dusty gravel road. Oh shit, Sonny's home. He's gonna be pissed.

Sonny parked his car behind the mans truck came up the porch and did not acknowledge either of us. He went in the trailer, I heard him rifling around for something then he came out with his softball glove, got back in his car and took off.

The man and I just looked at each other like, Oh shit.

When Sonny came home later that night, we got into it. His temper was bad back then. Eight years later he was still throwing in my face the time that "N*gga with the nice ass truck," was sitting on his porch when he came home for lunch.No matter that I was not doing anything or cheating on Sonny at that time. That was his excuse when he got busted for cheating on me over the course of the following years. I had driven him to it, according to him. I was not to be trusted.

When Sonny and I found a house to rent in town, I had been through the ringer and back with Sonny. I had even spent the night in a women's shelter with the kids for a night after the police had shown up at the trailer after one of our fights. By the time we had found a house in town to rent, I felt defeated. I could not go back to Texas. I couldn't go to my parents. My father still wasn't speaking to me for getting pregnant in the first place. I felt stuck. It was at that time that I started feeling that sick knot in my stomach where Sonny was concerned.

I started calling the man to come over when Sonny was out of town or in the field. He would spend the night and we did not always behave. I knew at that time he was who I wanted and who I loved. I loved how I felt when I was with him. He made me laugh. He made me feel good about myself.

Sonny then got orders to Germany. We could not go with him because we were not married. He still had no desire to commit to me. I decided it was time to go back home to my parents. At that time Mom was living in Colorado Springs and Dad was living in Illinois due to his job. The kids and I packed up and Sonny drove a Uhaul across country to drop me and the kids off at my parents. I didn't talk to the man for about six months. I was so wrapped up in what was going on with Sonny and I. I did not even tell him I was moving to Colorado. Then January of 2000 I started a new job (The same place I work today). Email existed at this time. I looked up the man's email address and emailed him. Both of us were kinda formal with our correspondence at that time. I didn't realize at that time that he was getting married the following month.

Sonny came home sometime in March and asked me to marry him. I was convinced that he went away to Germany and realized how badly he had treated me and wanted to come back to his family. We agreed to get married that following June of 2000. When I agreed to marry Sonny, I knew that, that meant I had to put the man out of my mind. Sonny was the father of my two kids and I was going to make it work, no matter what. Sonny arranged to get stationed in Colorado Springs after his tour in Germany. We moved on base and started married life. Koby and JJ were born in July of 2002.

In 2005, we got stationed to Hawaii. I started this blog at some point during that assignment. Sonny's cheating was worse than ever. He still treated me horribly. I was so confused and hurt. My self esteem was non existent. I decided to email the man. I tried to paint a pretty picture of my relationship with Sonny at first. But we talked daily and he eventually learned everything. He was my rock during all those hard times in Hawaii. He helped me realize my worth and strength. I finally got the courage to leave Sonny and come back to Colorado.

He has remained my consistent best friend ever since. It's rare that a day goes by since then that we haven't talked or communicated in someway. We have visited each other a few times. The spark is still there. We live clear across the country from each other and that sucks. But thanks to technology, I can see him and hear him and that helps...........some. He still makes my stomach do flip flops. My kids love him. He is so sweet to them.

I love him more now than I ever did. Back in the day if you had told me my feelings for him could get stronger, I wouldn't have believed you. I was already head over heels, even 17 or 18 years ago. He gets me. He makes me want to be a better me. It is so hard to imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else. Ever.

This distance thing sucks.

Wow, I did not realize I was going to take this trip down memory lane. It felt good to get it all out. I'm feeling all nostalgic now.

Content and Ever so Patient

2011-10-17T22:17:00.004-06:00

I'm pretty happy today for no good reason. I guess content is more accurate. I'm feeling very content. Nothing unusual happened. It was a Monday for sure. I have not been feelin' the job to much lately. Just hanging in there until other doors of opportunity open. I'm okay with that for now.

God bless Walmart for bringing back layaway for Christmas this year! There are a few rules such as each item must be over $15, the total layaway order must be over $50, and you can only put toys and electronics on layaway.

Stuffed animal Bronco's with the team colors and emblem are not considered toys, they are considered sporting goods. Go figure. Basketballs also fall into the sporting goods category and are not eligible for layaway.

I was able to put a couple of laptops on layaway for Bre and Tre, and a few toy items for Koby and Jaydon. It's so much easier to take $300 out of each of my next 4 paychecks than to get all of this stuff at once. I have wayyyy too many kids to do that.

Bre and her studio performed at the Colorado Springs Womens Expo this past Saturday. It was fun watching the kidlets have fun.
Mom and I had fun going around to the different booths getting free food and stuff. I think my favorite booth was the Sangria Slushy booth. Though in my opinion, their little 1 oz sampler cups didn't go a very long way. When I got home, I think I emptied about 6 little 1 oz plastic sampler cups out of the pocket of my hoodie. Shhhhh !

My problems with Sonny are a sore spot with me and the man. But, I broke down this morning when he called with all my Sonny woes. I HATE "I told you so's". He knows this so he was careful with the way he subtly hinted, "See? Dumbass!" He was actually much nicer than that. I think that was probably me and the little voice in my head.

I called Sonny from work today so we could discuss how this living arrangement just is not working out. With Sonny, unless you are looking for confrontation, you can't start out by accusing. As much as I wanted to start out by saying, "Look dickhead, your gettin on my last damn nerve. You need to kick rocks and go!" I instead opted to start out a little less agressive. I started out by saying, "Sonny, I can tell that you are stressed and unhappy with the current living situation. It is too hard on all of us to try to do this until you deploy......."

Then he interrupted me telling me that he has someone in his office and he can't talk right now. He said he'll call me back.

He never did call me back.
When he got home this evening I didn't bring it up in front of the kids. He was much more mellow that usual. I showed him the layaway receipt for the kids stuff. He told me he would like to do his Christmas shopping before he leaves and that he would help me pay off the stuff in layaway before he deploys.

Uhhh, ok.

Two weeks. Just 14 measly days. I can do that, right? It will take some serious self control and the patience of Job, but I can do this. I can do this without resorting to alcohol and taking up smoking again.

I can.

School's Out, Unfortunately So is SEX!

2011-10-14T20:40:00.004-06:00

I just finished my Marketing Management class. I did not enjoy one single thing about the class, until the minute I completed our final test this evening. The minute it was over and I saw that I passed the test, I was elated. I'm done with Marketing Management! That class was hard and did not peak my interest at all. I squeeked out an overall 87% for my final grade.

I don't have any more classes until the new year. 9 hours done and 23 hours to go until I obtain my Master's degree. I absolutely LOVE Liberty University. As I've mentioned before I love how each class integrates the teachings of the Bible and illustrates the importance of faith, even in the business world. We've had some fascinating class discussions. I'm learning so much.

But for now, school is ovahhhhh for the year. As much as I love it, I'm ready for the break.

I was thinkin about my post yesterday. I have had one major side effect since I stopped taking all of my meds. My "want to have sex" drive is in overdrive! Holy cow! I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think about sex all day long. All. Day. Long. Alllllllllll Dayyyyyy Long! I'm assuming that the meds must have been repressed it somewhat. But, no longer! Look out world.

I currently do not have someone to share this overwhelming urge with right now. And that is most unfortunate. I have had to get creative and no, I will not expand on that. I won't do you the injustice of having the disturbing visual in your mind.

ahem.....

Point being, the transition off my meds was not totally with out side effects.

Don't Try This at Home Kids

2011-10-13T22:41:00.003-06:00

Ugh. High School Parent-teacher conferences were not nearly as fun as the elementary school. On a happy note, I got my plane tickets. I need a break and I need to get outta here for a minute.

I am so ready for the weekend. I'm getting my butt handed to me at work. It's so overwhelming the majority of the time.

Okay, I promised I would tell you the big risk I'm taking with my health, but first I wanted to make sure I handled it okay. I know it was the wrong way to do this, without a doctors instruction or consent, but I stopped taking all of my medications. I stopped about three or four weeks ago. It seems every time I went in to see Dr. McGorgeous because "something was not right" he upped my medication dosage or put me on yet another medication. I felt like I was losing myself being so dependent on all these meds. I even stopped taking my migraine medication. I was on migraine preventative meds and I was still getting a whopper every 10-14 days.

I have to say, I feel better than I have in years. I'm taking natural supplements and vitamins. If you know of any natural remedies for depression, energy, headaches, etc, please share. I'm done being reliant on drugs to be who I am supposed to be. The only headaches I've had over the past four weeks have been the occasional annoying sinus headache or the lack of caffeine headache. I'm able to treat them and go on about my business. They're nothing like the migraines that knock me on my butt for 2,3,4 days at a time.

I'm not going to pick up smoking again. I have no desire for that either. I quit a year and a half ago and I'm not missing it. I'm sure the Wellbutrin I've been on for two years helped with that. I don't know if the Lexapro was doing anything or not, but it seems like my dosage kept increasing with every medical issue I had.

I DO still take my sleeping pills. I'm taking over the counter ones now rather than Ambien. I would like to get to a point where I can rely just on Melatonin. But that doesn't quite do the trick for me.

Baby steps.

So, I've been mostly med free for practically a month. I haven't hurt anyone in a sudden fit of road rage, I haven't felt like crap, I think I can do this.

I DO NOT recommend doing this for anyone else without a doctor's consent. This appears to be working for me so far, but from what I understand it is not good to quit your meds cold turkey. So please, do as I say and not as I do. I just got to a point myself where I was done. Done feeling like I couldn't function without them. My bedside nightstand looked like a pharmacy.

I feel free!!!

Conferences and Confrontation

2011-10-12T22:14:00.003-06:00

Two parent/teacher conferences down, two more to go tomorrow night. I was up at Koby and JJ's school this evening.

Both of their conferences went well. Koby struggles more than JJ academically. I am going to measure his progress in the Spring and then determine of I should get him tested for a learning disability. This school district is incredible. The support and programs they have for struggling students are amazing.

Behavior wise, no issues whatsoever. Both of their teachers genuinely seem to like the boys. Koby's reading teacher came in to join us in his conference. She admitted that Koby is one of her favorite's. She told Mom and I that he is just a "laid back little guy" and just kind of takes everything is stride in a cool kind of manner. Jaydon's teacher was spot on with her perception of Jaydon. She talked about how kind-hearted he is and how she loves how he tries so hard at everything he does. She mentioned that he is a pleaser. He's that way here at home too.

Tomorrow I'll hit the high school for the big kids conferences.

The ex is back in town. He's been back for three nights. Two of those were spent in my basement in the man cave. We are not fighting. But there is a tension in the air when he is here, that's for sure. When he doesn't like the way I'm doing something or handling something, he mutters under his breath.

"What? What did you say Sonny?"

"Oh, nothin."

Dude, I heard exactly what you said. For example, I made the kids and I dinner. I policed up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, then took mine up to my room. After I ate I asked JJ to take my bowl down to the sink because I was in a t-shirt and underwear. 20 minutes later, I hear him bellowing from the kitchen, "Who left their G*ddamn bowl in the sink without rinsing it?"

He was waiting for one of the kids to answer him from the living room downstairs. Instead I poke my head out of my bedroom door upstairs and say, "Sonny, that's mine."

He mutters something on and on about "How hard is it to rinse a g*ddamn dish anyway? Damn lazy people livin foul up in here."

"What Sonny? Can't here you."

"Oh nothing, I said I need to remember to pack my lunch for the rest of the week"

Yeah right. That dish in the sink is driving you crazy. BUT, we're in MY house. Should I choose to wait until tomorrow to tend to my bowl, I will.

20 minutes later he hollers up the stairs, "Kris where are your dish rags?" Sonny doesn't believe in dishwashers. He has always washed his dishes by hand. He thinks dishwashers are for the extreme lazy people of the world.

I reply, "Sonny, if their not in the drawer with the oven mits, then they are in the laundry room waiting to be washed."

Big sigh from the kitchen.

More mumbling. This time lower so it was harder to hear but he was obviously disgusted with the fact that there was not a dish rag to be found and disgusted with me for not keeping up with them properly.

The ONLY thing that pisses me off is I STILL have to fight the urge to defend myself when he is displeased with me about yet ANOTHER thing. But I kept calm and did not react. I didn't stir the pot. I just let it blow over.

He's made innuendo's about what I'm eating and how it is affecting my personal appearance. He comments and criticizes how I prepare things when I'm cooking for the kids.

You would think that he would collapse of a heart attack with all the energy he exerts into his negativity. How was this ever a part of my everyday living when I was married to him? The atmosphere of tension that he creates is a flashback to how it used to be.

When I got to my boiling point with him being him, I said, "Sonny, when exactly DO you deploy?"

He says the first week of November.

What is it like to be that unhappy of a person, that all you do is criticize and bark? Relax dude. Leave a bowl in the sink once in a while and walk away from it. Get the effin stick out of your ass.

I predict that before the end of the weekend we will get into it.

When I'm no longer comfortable in my own home, we have issues.

This is all a sore topic with The Man. It's one of the few things we argue about. He is right and I know it. He says he has concerns of how big of a factor Sonny will be later on down the line when he and I can finally be together. I happen to know that Sonny will not confront other men. Unless they are weak/spineless targets. When the Man and I are finally able to be together, Sonny won't try half the shit he tries now. And when the Man and I ARE finally together, there is no way in hell Sonny would be storing his crap at my house or occasionally staying in my basement. Not only would I say no, but Sonny wouldn't even ask. He doesn't confront people that he thinks may possibly knock his ego down a peg or two. He can't risk that. It would devastate him. He only picks what he considers to be weak targets that he knows he can bully. It's the only way he knows how to do things. Sad.

I'm a tired mama right now. I'm plane ticket shopping tomorrow. So exited about that.

For now, I'm off to bed.

Ways to Torcher Your Children #84

2011-10-09T19:11:00.003-06:00

Breanna's Facebook Status this Evening:

I have finally come to realize how wise my Mom truly is. I completely understand that when I think she is being mean, she is acting out of her love and concern for me. I am so lucky to have a Mom that loves me THIS much

· · 54 minutes ago · Privacy:

Suzanne Jeffers Blake, Mike Whiting and 2 others like this.
- Kristin Drury-Young Ohhh Bre. That brings me to tears. I do love you THAT much!
  50 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Michele Burchfield OK, for a moment there I thought Kris had hacked your FB!!! Way to go, Bre! Proud of you for realizing that!!
  49 minutes ago ·
- Kristin Drury-Young I think she is FB'ing telepathically because she currently doesn't have access to the computer or her phone ; )
  48 minutes ago ·
- Michele Burchfield Is it Tre? Didn't he just hack yours????
  48 minutes ago ·
- Kristin Drury-Young We're a hacking family tonight. Tre gave me the idea. Bre is upset with me about it.
  47 minutes ago ·
- Michele Burchfield You all are too funny!
  36 minutes ago ·
- Laura Drury Bre, your Mom loves you all more than life itself, hard being a teenager,just know we all look out for your best interests)))
  34 minutes ago ·
- Breanna Kay Young I love how everyone know i would never say this lol.
  3 minutes ago ·
- Breanna Kay Young I love how everyone know i would never say this lol.
  3 minutes ago ·
- Kristin Drury-Young We all know it's what you were thinking and what you really wanted to say baby. That's what counts.
  a few seconds ago ·

Girls Night Out

2011-10-09T00:30:00.003-06:00

Bre took her besty, Ashleigh, one of her dance buddies that goes to another school to her homecoming. They decided to make it a girls night out. Sounds like they had fun. Bre was excited because she can wear her heels around Ashleigh and not be the only 6'1" girl in the room.

This is another dance buddy Devon, who also happens to be Ash's little sister. Devon is feeling a little left out. She won't get her first Homecoming experience until she gets to high school next year. She is such a cutie.

APPsolutely SpectAPPular!!

2011-10-08T22:03:00.004-06:00

One of my favorite things to do is find cool new apps for my iPhone. I have some that I could not live without and that I use daily such as Pandora, iHeart Radio, Facebook, and my bank/insurance company.

At work, I have my work phone headset on one ear and my earbud hooked to my iPhone in the other. I'm never in the mood for the same station twice on Pandora. I'm so friggin eclectic in the truest sense. Here are the most listened to stations on my Pandora list in no specific order:
70's Lite Rock
80's Pop Radio
Chris Tomlin Radio
Classic Hip Hop Radio
Amy Grant Radio
The David Crowder Band Radio
Adele Radio
Glee Cast Radio
Elton John Radio
Jewel Radio
Broadway Showtunes Radio
Uncle Kracker Radio
Wilson Phillips Radio
Kevin Heart Radio
Prince Radio
Michael Jackson Radio
R&B Slow Jam Radio
Garth Brooks Radio
Usher Radio
80's Rock Hair Bands
Eminem Radio
Beyonce Radio

When I flip over to iHeart Radio, it is to listen to some of my talk show radio programs. Then I flip back to Pandora when I get all riled up about whatever subject they are debating on iHeart Radio.

The apps I still love and need, but don't necessarily use daily are the Holy Bible app, Twitter, iScout Basketball, Netflix, Five Guys, Chipotle, iBooks, Ambi Science Power Sleep & Nap App, Sleep Pillow, Pzizz Sleep App, and of course the BedBug Alert App.

My Holy Bible App rocks. It has all versions of the Bible and an audio version as well. It's very calming for me to listen to and I use this one several times a week.

iScout Basketball is the one I use when I'm watching Tre play ball. It allows me to keeps his and his teams stats throughout the season.

I use my Netflix app when I'm at work on the weekends and not taking calls. I prop my phone up on my message holder and enjoy catching up on documentaries and old TV shows.

LOVE my Five Guys and Chipotle apps. Our orders are saved. As we head off to either place, I punch in the order on my phone and its ready and paid for by the time we get there. No need to stand in line either. In fact, Chipotle has special "Burrito Zone" parking for people picking up their iPhone or online order. It's the only time I ever really get to feel like a VIP.

iBooks has replaced my Sony Reader. It's just so much simpler to only carry around one electronic device. I catch up on my iBooks when I'm waiting for kids to get out of basketball practice or dance class.

Ambi Science Power Sleep & Nap App, Sleep Pillow, and Pzizz Sleep App all do exactly what it sounds like they do. I put on my noise canceling headphones and I'm out like a light.

Bed Bug Alert App!! I have the biggest fear and phobia of catching bed bugs. Thank God I have not yet had the misfortune of ever bringing these little critters home. But when I found out that Denver was #4 in the country for bed bug outbreaks, I freaked. Every time we get a hotel room, I have a ritual. I look behind the pictures on the wall and at the corners of the bare mattress to see if there are any signs. I then ALWAYS use the suitcase stand or the bathroom counter for my suitcases. NEVER on the carpet. I will continue to do this for the rest of my life, but now I have this handy app to help me. It shows me the hotels where bed bugs have been reported. Then it breaks it down further by telling me how long ago the last report was. A must have if you don't already.

The rest of my apps are games that my kids have put on there. I don't play the games. But any chance they get, they are stealing my phone to play games. I try to get slick and change my phone password occasionally but they always figure it out. For example, I changed it to a 7 letter password the other day. Koby was going crazy trying to figure it out. He asked me to give him a clue.

I said, "Okay.......Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn too?"

Then my child that was born two decades past her time yells from her room, "8-6-7--5-3-0-9 !"

They are way too smart for me.

Tell about some good apps you have!

Another Konversation with Koby

2011-10-08T08:02:00.004-06:00

Last night as we were settling down, I put my hands over Koby and Jaydon's hearts.

Me: "Koby, your heartbeat is good and strong this evening. What did you do today that made your heart happy?"

Koby thought hard, "Well, it's happy because I cleaned my room."

Me: "That's great baby. Good for you. Is there anything that happened today that made your heart sad and made you wish you hadn't done it? Is there anything that you think you might need God to forgive you for?"

(I can always get the kids to rat themselves out with this game)

Koby without a second thought, "Yeah, I used up all of Breanna's blue paint hairspray and made a mess in the bathroom with it."

Note: I had to go check it out after I learned that. I'm going to be scrubbing blue out of the bathroom for WEEKS!

Some Dude

2011-10-07T11:51:00.002-06:00

I'm enjoying a leisurely morning. Since I'm working tomorrow for 4 hours, I get 4 hours off today. On top of that, I'm scheduled for the late shift. So my working hours today are from 2:30 pm to 6:30 pm. I'm sitting around in my PJ's drinking hot green tea. It's wonderful.

The kids are out of school today. I was advised of this well in advance by Koby when he came up to me earlier on Monday of this week and said, "Mom, we are out of school Thursday and Friday."

Me, "Really? Good for you. Why are you off on those days?"

Koby, "Because the teachers have a workday and because some dude discovered America."

Feeling Pretty Damn Good

2011-10-06T18:04:00.002-06:00

Today was the first day this week that Bo-zilla and I did not get to take a walk at the park. Mom and Dad AND Sonny are all out of town. The kids, of course, have to be in 90 different places at once. It's going to be a busy few days trying to work out the logistics of it all.

In the meantime, I'm hanging in there. I'm still on my high after the conference last weekend. I'm feeling pretty good. In about another week I will tell ya'll the specifics of how I have decided to take my health matters into my own hands and whether or not it's working. It's been about 9 days and I want to give it a few more to make sure that I'm doing the right thing for me. So, try to stand the anticipation.

I'm missing the man as bad as ever. Just hearing his voice or getting sweet texts from him makes my day even better. I'm counting down the days until we can spend some time together here real soon. The only thing that sucks about it is we will have to say goodbye again. I hate when we have to say goodbye because I never know how long it will be before we spend time together again. I'm so crazy in love with this man. The odds are so stacked against me on this one but I can't just stop having feelings for him. I know many of you have read between the lines on this situation. One day I will talk about it more openly. Hopefully the result of a happy ending and not YET ANOTHER lesson learned.

Trip to the Park

2011-10-03T20:33:00.003-06:00

I'm trying to break bad habits. I'm trying to be a better Mom. I'm trying to become a better me. Work was a bear today. It seems to be that way more and more often.

Today, rather than coming home and holing up in my room until it was time to make dinner, I decided to take advantage of the beautiful early evening weather. I came home, picked up the boys, Bo and Bailey and headed off to Cottonwood Creek Park to let off some steam. The babies headed off to the playground. Tre and I each took a dog and lapped the park.

It was so beautiful. The huge fields out there were full of kidlets practicing soccer and football with their teams. The parents lined the fields with their lawn chairs, blankets and coolers. The temp was in the mid 70's. There was the gentlest of breezes blowing. I could not have drawn a more perfect picture.

Tre and I talked about his school, girls and sports as we walked the dogs. When we were done with the walk, Tre suggested we do this more often and that he really enjoyed walking and chatting with me. It's rare that any of the four kids get me completely to themselves. I will need to work on this.

Now, the part that shows I'm so not Mother of the Year. First, let me preface this by saying, if you have kids you can relate to how difficult it can be to get them all out the door with everything they need when you are going somewhere. Today when I picked the boys up, I called them 5 minutes prior to me picking them up. They had time to get themselves together and be ready to go when I got home. I wanted to get to the park before 5pm when all of the kids athletics started and parking started to become a problem.

I got home and I was greeted by a very excited Bo and Bailey. The boys had already told them they were going for a walk and both dogs know what that means. In a matter of 2 minutes of me walking in the door to change clothes, Bailey and his lethal tail had knocked over my trashcan in the kitchen and he somehow stepped on the side of the water bowl and it went flying.

I'm in my room now, changing my clothes and hollering for Tre to upright the trashcan and soak up the spilled water. In the next breath, I'm hollering downstairs for Koby and Jaydon to get off the computer, grab the dogs leashes and meet me out at the car.

I get out to the car and all three boys are waiting with two very excited dogs hanging out the windows. "Okay, seat belts everyone? Check! Lets go!" We pull out of the driveway and pull on to the major street headed toward the park. We are only 10 seconds away from the house when Koby say, "Uh Mom........Oh nevermind"

I said, "What's up Kobe's?"

He again said, "Nevermind"

Okay. If it's important enough, he'll bring it up again later. I'm thinking he probably got a note sent home for talking too much in class and he had second thoughts about revealing that information just before he was going to get to go play at the park.

15 minutes later we arrive at the park, find the perfect shaded parking spot and start unloading humans and canines out of the car. That's when I looked down at Koby and see him in his stocking feet.

"Uh, Koby? Where are your shoes dude?"

He replies, "That's what I was going to tell you right after we left home. I forgot them."

I'm baffled. I have forgotten my purse. I have forgotten my cell phone. I have almost even forgotten a kid a time or two...............but to forget your shoes?

The dogs are already pulling Tre toward the walking path and Jaydon is already halfway to the playground.

Being the good mother I am, I yanked his socks off, pointed to the playground and told him, "Go for it." In my mind, I'm thinking that when it's time to go, I will send Tre to the playground to get the boys. That way none of the other parents, chilling out on the playground bench will know which parent the little shoeless boy belongs to.

It worked out. And Koby's feet are still in tact. And no other parents are any the wiser that I suck at some of my parental duties. They know someone sucks at their parental duties, but they don't specifically know its me.

Seriously. how does one just forget one's shoes? How does that slip your mind? I can see mismatching shoes. I've done that. But to out and out forget? From here on out I will be more cognizant of what the kids leave the house in. I will do a clothing checklist.

Pants? Check!
Shirt? Check!
Shoes? Check, Check!

Truce

2011-10-02T19:32:00.003-06:00

I was in the middle of taking my Business Marketing test and my phone rang. It was my Dad. My test is a timed test and once you start you can't stop the clock. I still had an hour and a half left on the clock. I told him I couldn't talk because I was in the middle of a timed test for school.

He asked me to call him back when I get a chance because he wants to call a truce.

I haven't talked to my dad in 2-3 weeks.

I kept control in my voice and did not let it crack indicating the tears that were already spilling out of my eyes.

I replied, "Okay Daddy. That sounds good."

I have not called him back yet because in our relationship, that 30 second conversation was our version of an apology to each other.

I am glad we are calling a truce.

I just wish I could be the daughter he wishes he had but never got. I never will be. No matter how much I accomplish, he will always see my weaknesses and faults. I don't think there is a single thing I could do that would make him proud of me. I think right now he just wants peace in the family and that is why he called a truce.

That is fine. I don't want to harbor any resentment or grudges. I love him. Faults and all. He's my dad. I'm proud of how talented and smart he is. I would do ANYTHING to have him feel the same about me.

But for right now, a truce is good.

WOF Experience Continued...............

2011-10-02T18:51:00.004-06:00

I know, I know. I'll probably be rambling on about this conference for weeks! But all of the testimony's were so moving. The next one that I got a lot out of was Lisa Whelchel's. To top it off, she played clips from "The Fact of Life" to illustrate some of her points.

Her testimony was about friendships. I had just finished reading her book, "Friendships for Grown-Ups".

It was about her experiences, the good and the bad, with giving and receiving friendships. She talked about finding "safe" friends and all that, that entailed.

This publisher's description of her book, pretty much sums up her testimony.

Not many people can say they lived their most crucial developmental years on the sound stage of a wildly popular TV show. But that’s exactly what happened in Lisa Whelchel’s life. As a child, she learned to guard her heart so tightly to avoid true hurt that she found herself unable to form lasting friendships as an adult.

Friendship for Grown-Ups details her experiences of learning to come out of her shell, to trust, risk, and become vulnerable by God’s grace and find meaningful friendships. Readers encounter her captivating story and refreshing perspective on life’s most precious gift--and they find practical tips for their own friendships along the way.

Then there was author Karen Kingsbury. I was out and out sobbing from my chest while she was talking. She is now my favorite author and I have yet to read a single on of her books. However, I intend to. She inspired me so much. I thought, "I cannot even imagine how it must feel to have your written words affect people in this way" That is what I want to do!

Part of her lecture was about living in the present and appreciating even the little experiences because you never know when it will be a "last". For example, the last time that Tre or Bre jumped into my arms and wound their legs around my waist, did I even have a clue that would be the very last time they did it? The final time that I held any of my kids in my arms while feeding them a bottle, did it even cross my mind to enjoy that moment because it was the very last time I would do it?

She touched me deep. Then she read aloud from a children's book she had written. I want to get my kids this book when they graduate from high school. It's called, "Let Me Hold You Longer". I found a summary on the internet....

With lighthearted illustrations and a sweet, reflective tone, best-selling author Karen Kingsbury encourages parents to savor not only their children's "firsts"—like first steps and first words—but the "lasts" as well. With the tenderness of a mother speaking directly to her child, Karen reminds us not to miss last days of kindergarten and last at bats in Little League amidst the whirlwind of life. Adapted from a poem in Rejoice, mothers and grandmothers everywhere will identify with the tenderhearted reflections in Let Me Hold You Longer.

I'm glad this book comes with a CD because there is no way in hell I could get through reading this book to my kids without falling apart.

She makes me want to write. Too be able to touch and inspire people through my words and stories.

I told Mom, that is on my bucket list. I want to write a book and speak about it at a WOF conference. I want to touch people's hearts and souls the way these lady's did.

More Pics of Luke and Bre

2011-10-02T18:28:00.007-06:00

She had a blast at homecoming. She got home at about 11:45. I was asleep, sorta. Half-way there anyway. This morning she gave me the scoop.

She said dinner was really awkward because all he and his friends did was talk about Lacrosse.

"Breanna, Luke runs cross country. He does not play Lacrosse"

"Oh yeah. Well whatever. It had something to do with running and I had no clue what they were talking about"

She did slow dance with Luke. She said he talked the whole time so it wasn't "weird" or anything. That is until it came to the last slow dance of the night and he leaned in for the kiss..........

She said she played it off pretending not to know what he was doing and pulled back saying, "I guess it's time to go find your brother so we can go," and turned on her heel heading off no doubt leaving him confused as hell.

She saw her dance friend Ambyr there. (The one Tre went to homecoming with last year). Ambyr was there with some girlfriends she knew that go to that school. Bre was glad to know someone there. When she told me that I was immediately like, "Bre, please tell me you did not ignore Luke all night to hang out with Ambyr!" She promised me she did not except when she had to go to the bathroom. She said the line was really long and Luke kept coming looking for her. Then when she got done, she could not find him. Suddenly, his brother, who is the same age as Bre comes up and asks her to dance. Bre figured since she couldn't find Luke and since Nathan was his brother that, that would be perfectly fine. She droned on for a good 5-minutes telling me how good Nathan smelled.

"Breanna!"

"What? I couldn't find Luke and besides he didn't even see me dancing with his brother. Nathan is soooo cute. Mom did you know that Nathan told me he wished he would have asked me to homecoming before his brother did?" *Insert high pitched teenager shriek. *

I know, I know. I have no idea what I'm going to do with that child.

Hopefully poor Luke had a good time. According to his facebook status he did. And he has him and Breanna as his FB photo.

It appears a good time was had by all. There was no kiss because she said she was pretty sure that would be gross to kiss your friend that way. But all in all I think they both enjoyed themselves.

You could not pay me to do high school again.

WOF Denver 2011

2011-10-02T07:55:00.004-06:00

Women of Faith was incredible. It did exactly for me what I needed it to do. I am still on a high a day later. I'm inspired and somewhat changed. Any poor soul that follows my Facebook saw me inundating my status with updates throughout the weekend. I re-found a strength that has been missing for a while. It was a fun weekend with 10,000 girlfriends.

One of my favorite testimonies what by Brenda Warner. Well, they were all my favorite. But her's was great. She started out by telling us about how when she was newly married, her husband dropped their 4 month old baby while getting him out of the tub. She led us through her emotions during that tragedy and how her baby boy defied the odds and is now 22 years old. He lost his sight and had permanent brain damage. It forced her to become a mom to a special needs child at a young age. Then when she was 8 months pregnant with her second child her husband rolled over in bed one morning and told her he was in love with someone else. She was then a divorced mother of two at 24 years old, standing in line for food stamps and doing what she needed to do to take care of her kids.

She had no interest in meeting a man after everything she had been through, but her family and friends encouraged her. She decided, okay but there were three rules about any potential new man. 1. He had to be ugly. 2. He had to have a job, and 3. He had to believe as she does regarding her faith. One night she went out line dancing at a country bar. She saw this gorgeous guy walk in with fawning women surrounding him. She was very put out by this obvious "playah". As they were doing a line dance that required them to switch partners, she found herself with him as a partner at the end of the song.

They talked and danced until the end of the night and he walked her to her car after the club closed. He asked to see her again. She went off on him and basically told him, "Look, I'm a 25 year old, divorced single Mom with two kids, there is know way anything will come from this." Besides, he didn't even pass one of her three rules.

The next morning she got up with complete bedhead. She has her babygirl attached to her chest as she is nursing when the doorbell rings. It is the guy from the club and he announces, "I'm here to meet your kids."

She said she was so flustered. She was hilarious in her description of how as any good and responsible Mom would do, she invited this strange man into her house. She then realized her boobs were leaking. She went to change shirt and came back into the living room where she saw this guy playing and wrestling with her special needs son Zach. Zach had taken to him immediately. She says that he fell in love with her kids before he fell in love with her. He still didn't meet any of her 3 established rules, but she fell for him too. She said their first year together consisted of arguing about religion, because he was not a believer, and making out.

Then she got a call that changed their lives. She got a call on a Sunday night from her sister letting her know that her parents were killed in a tornado. Brenda was devastated. She was upset with God. How could he take both of her parents? She cried out to God in pain and agony. It was then that something clicked in her new man. He said as he was watching her go through all of these emotions and crying out to God at times and leaning on him at others, something touched him. One day he announced to her that he wanted what she had with God. A relationship, not a religion. From that day forward he was a believer.

Not long after he was picked up by the NFL and soon was MVP of his Super bowl team. This man of course is Kurt Warner. He meets all of her rules now, except for the being ugly one. They now have seven kids all together. If you watched Kurt on Dancing with the Stars, you saw him go over and hug his wife after every performance.

It was an amazing testimony of how God works. She struggled but God was with her the entire journey, working behind the scenes.

I found a better summary of their love story online.............

When they met, Kurt was a university student and Brenda was a divorced single mom living on food stamps. In his autobiography "Keep Your Head Up," Kurt describes his and Brenda's first encounter when a teammate at the University of Northern Iowa talked him into going to a country-music club in Cedar Falls, Iowa. There was an instant connection, but Brenda didn't know whether it would last. Not only was she a single mom, but one of her two children, her son Zachary, had significant medical problems. He was blinded and brain-injured when accidentally dropped to the floor by her first husband. Kurt was not turned aside by the children or Zachary's condition and he and Brenda forged a relationship that resulted in their marrying four years later. Kurt's celebrated job at a grocery store took place in 1994 after he got a pink-slip from the Green Bay Packers. He returned to Cedar Falls and worked nights stocking shelves for $5.50 an hour. He rose to fame by throwing an amazing 41 touchdowns for the Rams, bringing them to a 13-3 record and to memorable victory in Super Bowl XXXIV. He's become known for his commitment to his family, his clean-kid lifestyle, and his Christian faith. He and Brenda now live in St. Louis with their four children Zachary, Kade, Jesse, and Jada Jo. He is the founder of the First Things First foundation.

Bre's First "Car Date"

2011-10-01T20:11:00.003-06:00

This is one milestone that came way too quickly. I cannot believe she is going to be 16 years old next month. But, ya'll know how I feel about Luke, so I could not think of a better first "car date" date. They are meeting his friends from his cross country team at Old Chicago for dinner, then off to his homecoming. Look how cute they are, both sets of braces shining in the sunlight.
Her and Luke are exactly the same height at about 5'9 each . She decided to forego the heels and opted for flats instead.
He was the perfect gentleman and opened her car door. He was so nervous and cute. Me, his Mom and my Mom were all out there gawking and saying how adorable they looked, Koby and Jaydon are making whistling noises. Tre is telling Luke to not get fresh with his sister. Bo is yapping around trying to get in the car with him. This is the everyday chaos that is our family.

Luke has his hands full with this one. I wish him luck. I told her to be nice. She promised she would.

She admitted she was nervous, "Mom, how weird is it going to be when a slow song comes on? Luke has been my buddy for five years. Should we slow dance?"

"I'm thinking that may be a part of this whole date package Bre.....dancing with the guy that brought you."

She thinks about it for a minute, "Well, I guess it will be okay if we're like all in a group."

"Group slow dancing?"

Hmmm. Things have changed since I was a kid.

I'm Here !!!

2011-09-30T21:05:00.006-06:00

I'm at the Women of Faith event in Denver tonight with Mom. I'm loving every second. Just in the two hours I have been here, I have cried like a big ol' baby and laughed so hard I thought my side was going to burst open. Brenda Warners testimony was amazing. She is the wife of football great, Kurt Warner. You may remember Kurt from dancing with the stars as well. Author/speaker Andy Andrews was hilarious. Thus far all of the speakers have been incredibly inspirational. Up next we are going to end the evening by partying in the Pepsi Center with a performance by Mandisa!

I'm so grateful I got to come again this year and share this experience with my mom. Maybe next year we can invite more people with us. I'll have to have mom get on the horn with my Sis in law and my favorite aunt. This is too much fun not to share the experience with other people we care about . I hope to bring Bre in a few years .

Someone Like You

2011-09-29T18:25:00.007-06:00

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over yet

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

I'm REALLY Trying

2011-09-29T09:36:00.007-06:00

I'm a disorganized idiot. I purchased two prime seats for the Women of Faith Conference this weekend. I got the tickets about 6 months ago so that mom and I could go. I enjoyed it so much last year I was really looking forward to it. Amy Grant will be performing. Mandisa will be there. Lisa Welchel (she played Blair on the Facts of Life) is one of the speakers. I downloaded her most recent book and after reading it I was excited about hearing her testimony. There are many other WOF speakers that are outstanding.

Because things have been so shaky and uncertain with my faith lately, I was looking forward to this weekend of fun and worship so that I could feel renewed.

Stupid me, a couple of months ago responded to an email request at work for volunteers to work on particular weekends. This is totally piss poor planning and disorganization on my part. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized one of those Saturdays is this weekend. Smack dab in the middle of Women of Faith weekend.

It's completely my error. When I realized what I had done I sent out an email asking for someone to take my place at work on Saturday. No takers. Im trying so hard not to be angry thinking about how often I volunteer for someone else when they have a conflict. But I'm not gonna lie, I'm pissed that no one responded.

I'll suck it up. I'm a big girl. I just really felt like I needed this experience at this point in my life. I need to focus on my
faith and feel confident in it again so that I can get through this rough patch and get back on track.

This is so typical of how things are falling for me lately. As I said in an earlier post, it's one thing after another.

I need to catch a break or develop greater strength to get through this. I am doubting myself in a million ways right now. I'm not sure I can do this.

**** Update *******
Not 5 minutes after I hit submit I got an email from the department secretary letting me know that someone volunteered to work for me on Saturday!!! Please forgive my whiney, woe is me, feel sorry for myself post! I'm very excited and in need of this weekend.

And no, it was not lost on me that this coincidence of someone volunteering to take my spot RIGHT after I'm feeling completely defeated and post the above post is totally a God thing.

Bre's Invitation

2011-09-28T19:29:00.002-06:00

As I told everyone as I walked into work today, "Imagine my surprise this morning when I found out I had been invited to homecoming!"

But no, I have not decided to become the ultimate cougar.

The invitation was for my beautiful daughter. With it came with her favorite Ghiradelli chocolates. Who could turn down an offer that is accompanied with chocolate?

Ya'll may have heard me mention that "nice church going boy" that lives across the street. Yup, he's one of my picks. I try not to advertise it because that is the surest way to turn Bre off. He is a senior at another high school here in town. He's a real smart kid. He runs cross country. He is a sweetheart to Breanna. He always has been. They've known each other for the past five years. Breanna has always referred to him as "the nicest boy she knows". He is the one that took Tre target shooting that I mentioned in a prior post.

He left that message for Bre, then called her a 6 a.m. and asked her to come outside. With crazy hair and in her PJ's, she went outside to see his invite advertised on my van. She accepted and was so excited. I'm glad that she was excited but I was surprised. She has always stood firm on her stance with Luke that she would never date him because she was afraid it would ruin their friendship.

After she accepted, poor Luke was equally as excited. He texted her all day, telling her how he was so nervous last night that he could not sleep. He asked her what color dress she was going to wear. He told her he could not wait to see her in her dress and how pretty she would look. What 17 year old boy says that? He told her to pick the restaurant. He has a part time job and he is funding this date all on his own. What 17 year old boy does that? Then again, this is the boy that told Breanna with no reservations he plans on staying a virgin until he gets married. He's not ashamed to let that be known.

In fact he is downstairs now listening to Breanna babble on about how pretty her dress is and how she can't decide what shoes to wear. He is such a sweetheart. He is totally listening to her talk a mile a minute. He is very patient with her and just smiles and nods as she goes on and on and on.

Do you see why I love this kid?

This is why I can't ruin anything by pushing it and letting her know how much I approve of and condone this. I'm trying to act nonchalant and inconspicuous. The guy that she wants to invite her to her school's homecoming is the typical jock, meat head, obnoxious kinda guy I used to be attracted to back in the day. He is often rude and inconsiderate. But as Bre argues, "But Mom, his abs are amazing!" Well, there ya go! She is still too young to know what a catch Luke is. She is too young to be too serious about anyone. But 10-15 years from now, Luke has my vote for son in law material.

I have no reservations about him driving Bre for their little date. None at all. I trust him completely. Whereas with Bre's football player friend, I lecture Bre for three hours when she asks if he can drive her home from school. I know what Mr Amazing Abs is all about.

I asked Bre if she would consider asking Luke to her school's homecoming. She would not give me a definitive answer.....which means it's not gonna happen. She's holding out for Mr Amazing Abs who already told her he doesn't do homecoming, but he's willing to meet her in the parking lot afterward and drive her home. Uhhh, nope! She has decided to ask her best friend Ashleigh from another school to go with her. She figures they can then have fun and dance without worrying about a guy. She has turned down three other invites to her homecoming in hopes that Mr Abs will change his mind.

Oh the life of teenagers.

At The Edge

2011-09-27T18:19:00.003-06:00

Dammit. This was one of those days when I questioned myself all day if I can really do this? It was one thing after another. I thought after you hit bottom there was no where to go but up. I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to hang in there. I really don't know if I can do this. I still don't want to go into specifics just yet about what is going on. I eventually will. Right now I'm just uncertain and scared to death. I want to cry so bad. I'm trying to hold it in until the kids go to bed. I'm going to jump in a hot shower and just let it all go. Until then I'm putting on my game face and doing what I have to do. I want so bad to just 'not feel' right now. I don't want to feel a damn thing. I want to bury my head in the sand until everything is all better. How I wish that was really an option.

I know God is working and doing things in my life. I just can't see it yet. I can't see it at all. It's taking everything I have to keep strong in my faith. He won't give us anything we can't handle. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm such a fucking mess right now.

Bre's School Project

2011-09-25T20:57:00.002-06:00

Bre had to make a video for a language arts project. She had to pick a song that has deep meaning for her and make a video to go along with it that portrays who she is and why this song is important to her. She also had to submit a written essay to go along with it.

This was her first time playing with microsoft movie maker. Several of the clips came out with a funky green box at the bottom and a distorted image at the top. Bre says she looks stubby in those clips. I told her I thought it was a great job. Stubbiness and all!

Double Trouble and a Dance Mom's rant

2011-09-24T21:16:00.008-06:00

It was a beautiful Fall morning this morning to go watch the babies play football. They were so friggin awesome. I love, love, love watching my kidlets do their thing!

I don't think I have ever mentioned that our dance studio was sold to owners from Nashville. There are three studios in all under these particular owners. It has been a season of transition to say the least.

At the end of the 2010-2011 season, Bre was considering changing studios. I'll admit, I was poking and prodding for her to do so. But I left the ultimate decision up to her because this is her thing. Not mine. The other studio that we were considering has always been our biggest nemesis. They kick ass. It's an all-business studio and they take dance very seriously. Bre takes occasional extra classes there when her regular studio is on a break. She knows the teachers and she is acquaintances with some of the girls there.

She put thought into going to the other studio but in the end chose to stay at our current studio and ride out the year of transition. It has been rough. Not so much on her, she is dancing and that's all she cares about. The new owners have been to visit once! The front desk lady knows absolutely nothing about what is going on and can't disseminate information to us parents to let us know what is going on.

We were notified a week prior to it being due, that we have a trip coming up the second week in December to a convention/competition in Dallas, TX and they needed us to pay up. First of all we have a week to come up with our airfare and competition fees? REE DIK YOU LUS! Not possible. Second that is the weekend before finals for all of the kids in the studio.

We parents inundated them with Emails saying this was not going to work. The new owners were wanting us to go to the Nuvo Competition and meet up there with the Nashville studio girls. This same competition/convention is coming to Denver in March or April, just 50 minutes up the road. Why in the hell would we fly to Dallas to attend. Our concerns were met with the response - We are so sorry your girls can't make it. We can't come to the one in Denver because that particular time frame doesn't work for the girls in Nashville. We're sorry the December one falls right before school final exams there. Maybe the girls could plan their studying ahead to make this date work for all of you.

Well, I see who the redheaded step children are in this relationship. I suppose it is important to mention that the kids that attend the Nashville studio are kids of grammy award winners and kids of some of the players on the Tennessee Titans. There is a big difference in the bank accounts of their parents and ours. I'm sure their parents don't squawk about money near as much as we do, but our budgets are limited.

It is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. We were all braced for the transition. We knew there would be bumps along the way, as there is with any major change. But this has been a nightmare.

They fired one of our very talented teachers last week. She is young and artsy and so damn good. Whatever the reasons for firing her are none of my business. What IS my business is that my daughter is on that persons hip team. They were over halfway done with the choreography in preparation for competition in the Spring. Now they have to start completely over with new choreography and music.Those poor kids and parents that were learning a solo from this individual and paying $25 per week for it are now shit outta luck.

They say they are going to fly Mr. Chris in to teach the team new choreography for that class. Then Mr Chris will go back to Nashville and monitor their progress via the fancy new video cameras that are in each of the dance rooms. He is married to one of the owners of the studio. That would be great if it really were to happen. We have been promised so much and delivery has not taken place. We were told the owners would come to the Springs once a month to make sure everything was running smooth. They have visited one time since May.

The studio took a hit from people not returning after last season. The core group of girls that you see in all the dance photo's I post wanted to stick together. So they all returned. Our number of dancers, both competition dancers and recreational dancers dwindled. They recruited big time looking for students. Especially team dancers. They invited back a family that used to go to our studio 3 years ago. A family with very talented dancers. Unfortunately, due to their antics and lack of paying their bills, they have been kicked out of three studios within 3 years. They invited another family back that left us two years ago. How did they entice these family's to come back? I'll tell you.............. free tuition. Free tuition for teams, solo's and duets.

Did I mention that our tuition was raised?
Did I mention that when the above two family's left us several years ago, both families went out with a bang and trashed talked our studio all over town? Their departure's were not on good terms.

So, this core group of girls and their parents that have been loyal since day one got our prices jacked up. And these two families that smeared our name in the mud, get rewarded. Loyalty is not important to them I suppose. Several of us have emailed the new owners advising that we were not aware they offered scholarships for tuition and how can we go about applying? The response we get in return is that another family's account is not our business.

Ummm. Yes it is. It is when you jack up everyone's solo and duet fee's from $20 per week to $25 in order to subsidize the freebies you are giving out. It is when our monthly tuition increases. It is when the family's that you are subsidizing are not quiet about the fact that they are there for free. We are concerned that our costume bill may be padded when it is submitted to us in order to cover costume's for these families.

My mom wrote the new owner's an Email asking if they have rented a venue for recital yet? It is well known around here that every school in town reserves their venues a year in advance because everyone has their recitals at about the time school is getting out. They advised Mom they have not yet but they will. This should be interesting. There is nothing left to rent except on undesirable weekends. People start to head off on vacation at the beginning of June. If we had recital any later, lots of kids wouldn't be able to make it.

Mom also asked what our competition dates are and which competitions we will be attending in the Fall. Most of us are working folks and have to ask pretty far in advance for time off. As long as Bre has been a dancer, I have always knows from the start of the season when and where our competitions will be. I write it on my calendar 7-8 months in advance. We are billed for a competition about a month and a half prior to that competition. They finally got back to Mom with an answer. The three mandatory competitions that the studio is attending are all within a six week period in February and March. This means that around Christmas we will be billed for all of these at once. Keep in mind that it costs approximately 500-750 per competition for Breanna to go. In the past, our competitions have been so spread out in the Spring that we were typically billed for only one competition at a time starting in January.

These new owners think we are all a bunch of whiney "Dance Moms". I just hate the lack of communication and the sudden surprises.

The teacher will mention to the girls that we will be doing benefit shows as well. That is great but shouldn't you be telling the parents that and giving us an idea of where and when. The girls are not the ones arranging the family schedule and paying the dance bills. We need to know what is going on. We used to have a beginning of the year parents meeting where we were given a contract to sign letting us know what our obligations and responsibilities were for the coming dance year. We were also advised of all of the important dates to notate for that year. As well as when to expect to be billed for various activities. There were no surprises. We have requested that the new owners come to town and have a meeting or a question and answer session for us. They will not commit to this. They don't fully respond to our emails requesting information.

We are the customers. Hellllloooooo!

So when they do email us, they are usually dropping some expensive bomb on us, at the last minute no less.

The two studio's they had before they acquired us are basically recreational and performance studios. We are a competition studio. Two different animals. No one in charge knows how to run a competition studio. Rule number one, you must have all of the children's birth certificate's on file. When we go to competition, the owner must have these with her if a judge demands an age verification. Copy's of these have not been collected by the studio yet.

I'm not really sure what the front desk lady does. When new customer's come in the door, she is unable to answer questions about the studio. She tells them to Email the owners with any questions. WTH? When a potential client comes in, she should be greeting them, showing them around the facility and filling their head with information about the advantages of their child attending this studio. So, business is definitely not booming.

On the plus side, Bre is having a blast. She claims that most of her new choreography is "da bomb". But I don't think this studio is going to make it. I really wish that Bre and chosen the other studio. They are established and run their studio like a well-oiled machine. Monthly news letters, schedules in advance, camps, conventions, master-classes.........

They have their shit together.

And right now I feel like we are throwing money into a dark hole. Attempts in requesting communication or information are responded to in a defensive manner. Their website pride themselves on their customer service. No, I work for the number one company in customer service. We are recognized and rewarded from companies like JD Powers for our number one status in customer service. Customer service is jammed down our throat. I know what customer service is. And what it isn't!

Don't get me started on costumes! Apparently we are ordering all of our costumes from a costume magazine this year. That's fine. We used to have them custom made from a seamstress......but whatever. Magazine costumes are fine. BUT, if that is the plan, are they aware that our first competition is at the beginning of February and it takes 5-6 months for a teams costume to come in once it is ordered? I don't know if costume ordering is the desk lady's job or not, but as far as I know, the girls haven't even been measured yet.

It is all just so frustrating and disorganized. I'm not the stage mom that gets my nose all up in that shit typically. But this is beyond crazy.

This studio is going to tank. I wish we had gone to the other studio this year. Now that we've committed, it's too late to go back now. Tryouts for all of the studios are at the beginning of August and all of the teams are already set. If we changed over now, Bre could only take recreational classes and could not compete until next year. We have to ride this one out. We can tryout for the other studio next Summer and that will still give Bre 2 years to establish herself there. That way by the time her senior year comes, she can qualify for some decent teams. If she would have gone there this year, she could have proven herself this year and likely gotten some decent teams her junior and senior year. Luckily they know her from her occasional classes there so they do have an idea of what she can and can't do. Maybe she will be able to jump right on in with them on their advanced teams next year. Who knows?

All I know is this is going to be one long ass year.

On an interesting side note...........
One of the Mom's from the show Dance Moms follows me on Twitter. Isn't that cool?

Struggling

2011-09-22T21:58:00.004-06:00

I had to take a short break. Mainly because I don't know how to put my feelings into words on this one. No, that's not true. I do know how to put it into words because I shared them with one person. I don't want to publicly share the details of one of the most hurtful incidents that has ever occurred to me. I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed, I'm hurt, I'm a million different things right now. I'm certain I will never be the same. That may be good. Who knows?

For the past week and a half I have done more thinking, evaluating, crying, and praying than I ever have in my life. And I'm no closer to feeling any better about what happened. I feel so damn isolated and alone right now.

I'm pretty sure if those that are supposed to love you and accept you unconditionally cannot love you, accept you or even respect you, you must be one fucked up, unlovable individual. This is not about some guy. This is not about some female friend drama.

I'm just trying to figure out where I belong in this big ol' world and exactly what my purpose is. Do I have one? I'm questioning everything right now. I've been in a dark place before, but this is definitely the darkest.

I read a quote last week. I'm thinking it was on Facebook. I even spouted it off to a young lady I know who is going through a rough time in order to try to help her. I will totally butcher this quote, but you'll get the idea of it. It was something about the worst place you can get off of a train is in a dark tunnel. You need to hang on for the ride until you can safely get to the light at the end.

Right now, tunnel or not, I just want the train to run me over.

I felt pretty damn worthless after my divorce. I thought I was working on becoming a strong, healed woman. Now I feel like I've been set back years on my process.

I'm battling depression. I'm on a million different medications for it. I'm sure that is no secret. I've never really tried to keep it a secret. In my therapy sessions, I have often complained to my therapist that I hate that I'm dependent on drugs just to function as a normal person. She always makes me feel better about it when I start down that road during our sessions. She told me that she strongly feels my depression in a result of PTSD and that it is likely a situational depression. She tells me that depression is a chemical imbalance and the meds help to balance everything out. I may need them the rest of my life, I may not. But right now, I need them.

She tells me that relying on my meds to treat my depression is no different than someone that has to rely on blood pressure medication to keep them strong and healthy.

She always makes me feel okay about it. She always has been able to do that for me.

Until now.

I feel like I've taken 160 steps backwards in the process of becoming the person
I want to be. I don't even know who I am or what me I'm trying to establish anymore. I'm not happy. That is so fucked up for someone who is so blessed to say!

I've got 4 healthy, beautiful kids. We live in a home to protect us from the elements. We go to sleep every night with a full belly in a warm snuggly bed. I am employed and able to provide for my kids.

I should not care what anyone says to me. Nothing should be able to cut me that deep and make me feel this small. No one should have that power over me.

This is why I'm struggling.

It did cut me deep. And it hurt worse than anything that I've experienced before. I don't know how to get over this. I have looked to this person for validation and approval my entire life. All I ever wanted was for this person to love me, accept me and be proud of me. Yet, all I've managed to do is fuck up time and time again since my teen-aged years. One huge disappoint after another. And now I am the person I am.

It has been made clear to me that this person I am is not acceptable or worthy of love. How the hell do you recover from that? How do I turn this around?

My first instinct is to run away. Just get out and go somewhere. Pack up the kids and just go. But I know that will not solve anything. They are so involved with their activities. They love their friends. I can't pack them up and drag them with me just so I can run away from my problems.

I miss talking to my little brother. I wonder if he ever misses me.

I miss the man. We've both been so busy with work lately that our time together has been reduced to a few text messages a day and a phone call every couple of days. I truly do not know what I would do without him in my life sometimes. He knows the details of what happened that has me so messed up right now. He is so rational and makes so much sense when I unload on him. He makes me feel safe. I like that feeling.

It's my own fault that I feel like I'm completely alone right now. I've driven everyone away.

Hopeless is a good way to describe how I feel right now. Not hopeless in a suicidal way. Not that I haven't had a crossing though on occasion that if I weren't alive, I wouldn't feel pain. But it's always just a passing thought. Then I think about the effect it would have on my kids and I push it away. I would never do that to them. They've had a tough time as it is. Besides, I'm too fucking selfish. I want to see how this whole thing called life turns out. I want to see what happens next. Also, I can't die until I secure Sandra Bullock as the actress that will portray me in my life story when it's brought to the big screen. Nope, suicide is not an option. I will need to keep riding this train through this tunnel for a while longer.

Just wish that I weren't sitting on that train by myself.

And that is what I'm working on with God right now. He promised me he was always there. But right now we are in different compartments on the train and I'm trying to find my way to Him. My prayers are so jumbled right now. I don't know what it is I'm trying to convey. Right now I'm just pleading for Him to open the eyes of my heart (as the song goes), so I can see Him. From there maybe I will start to get some clarity.